UPLIFTING Spring Break !!

My spring semester had been dull so far. And it might stay the same if it wasn't for Spring Break.

I would say it was the awesomest break ever. And God gave me that when I totally need it.

UPLIFTING aye?? 

Why all capital though?? Coz it is totally uplifting. Duhh.

I have never been at the bottomest of my life. So far, this is it, I would say.

I felt like crap. The worst of the scum. The ugliest, baddest scum ever lived on this planet Earth.

And I already planned for a trip to Iowa for TJM. However, I now what I needed and what is more important and worth going. So I went to City Lights instead. Plus, I am a go-with-the-flow-type of person. So a change in plan doesn't really mean anything.

Here we go...

The highlights of the week :

Gerry Chappeau - a fatherly figure

 This guy right here. Helped me in a lot of ways especially his talk about mirror, the broken healer.

His words lifted me up to a level where I have never been before.

This is me.

Yepp. I am a broken mirror. One of the small pieces. What would you do to these pieces of mirrors anyways?? Throw 'em out right?? Well, that's what I thought of myself for these past years I have been living. I thought I have no value at all. I am worthless. Not even a single penny.

With that, I often threw myself around, thinking that the world is no place to live in. I kept thinking of suicide every single day. But I know that suicide would solve nothing so I didn't do it. Yet.

But, God came and saved me. Through these people, He sent His loves saying that I am priceless. I am a beautiful princess. His beautiful princess. :')

Yepp I am broken !! So what ?! I finally able to admit that. Fuhh. The one thing that I have been running away from every second of my life. You have no idea how refreshing it is to have that burden lifted from your shoulder. And though I am a piece of broken mirror, I still AM a mirror, I am still able to reflect lights, His lights, into other people's life.

Becoming a wounded healer. Yepp. That's my next vanishing point (the one place where all the parallel lines meet) would be, praise the Lord to help me.

Megan Dorn - my new partner in crime

Coming up next is my new partner in crime. Don't take it literally though. That'll be crazeyy.

Well, let me put it this way. I have been hurt. And I have always kept myself in a teeny tiny box (if that ever fits) and shut everyone out. It was not a good thing, I know, I know. Just shut up, will ya??

God sent her to me, to hold my hands, get me back on my feet, then start making me jump all around. No words could ever describe how much I appreciate her presence in my life. Thank you would not do any justice.

But slowly, little by little, with the help of these wonderful people around me, showering me with loves, hugs and kisses, reflecting lights unto my darkened life, I sprouted into a cutey seedling. Heyy. Let me praise myself here. I am a cutie pie!! I am His beautiful princess, remember?? :)

This seedling of mine, though cute, it is still very fragile. 

Handle with care.

Ps: I do have a video on the talk about the broken mirror
and wounded healer by Gerry Chappeau.

Just gimme your email and I'll share
it with you.

Long Overdue

I am hurting.

Was. Is. I have no idea.

But sometimes I'm wondering, why is it when I am hurting, it is me all alone. And when I died already, lots of people tried to revive me. I am dead. DEAD. There's no point of reviving me.

Just give up, will you??

Emotional struggle is a lot more tiring. I knew that. Especially when the other opponent is yourself. I once participated in chess competition that required me to play 5 rounds. After the 3rd round, I  kissed the ground.

Mind vs. Heart

Who knows which will win.

Tired.

Love

"To love at all is to be vulnerable." - C.S Lewis

Yeahh yeahh. I know. Total BS. What is love anyway??

Being in the midst of everything. Trying so hard to just be able to put a band-aid over your torn-apart heart. To hope real hard then get crushed on. To trust someone just to be back-stabbed. To hell with everything.

Being love deprived is another thing. That's why humans live in a community ehh?? So that they wont die inside out. Well, even within the community, people still die anyways. Typical humans. Killing each other from the inside. That's what they do best.

Humans. Cehh. What is human anyways??

Altruism vs egoism. I would say egoism won over everything. Humans show it. They show it all. What a broken world this Earth is.

Sometimes when I look into the mirror, I just cant recognize who's standing in front of me. 

Who am I?? What I am?? What do I like or dont like??

Everything's so black. Not grey but totally black. Total blackhole. 

Having a vivid imagination might be a good thing. Some people said. However, having it ever since you know how to think straight, not right but straight, is such a suffering.

This anger. This anger of mine, it is no longer containable. I totally need a vessel to rely on, to be by my side every single time, to take care of me. Im just so sick of myself that sometimes I only see one thing. Hahaha

I'm tired of thinking everything rationally. What's the use of it??

Who's that?? Me?? Who's me?? :O

The question of the day for every single day. 

Trying to fulfill everybody's expectation though it is against your own dreams. For what?? This broken world?? Cehh. People expect you to be nice and good, hypocrite there you are. People want you to be a doctor, fame and name there you go. But what about what I want?? Who the hell care about what I want anymore. 

Even I dont care about what I want anymore. How could I when I dont know what I want anymore. I just cant think of something that I really wanna go for. None, zilch, nil.

Dont be ridiculous. I don't wanna die yet. Yet.