Adulthood 😏

Last week I went to Buffalo. And yes, for those who read my previous post would know that. Hahaha And I was thinking about posting this thing back then. But I realized that this blog was unattended for quite a while which made me write at least a wall or a line as a courtesy to you guys to separate stories of my life. 

Anyways...

During my flight to Buffalo, there were some slight turbulences, really minor, no worries. And there was this one stewardess named Theresa. She was serving drinks during the turbulence. At first she stopped serving for awhile, steadied herself and then kept serving. All these while the turbulence thing was happening. I was like, WOW!! Awesome stuffs. 

And when it was my turn to be served, I told her, "you are so awesome!! To be able to keep calm and serve us with all the turbulence." She smiled and said that they had been experiencing turbulence all morning so she kinda expected that to happen and were used to that. I was like, okayy. Then after that, she was really kind to me, asking me if I need anything else, yadda yadda. I was not sure whether she was kind to me because I made small talk with her, or she is kind in general.

Out of nowhere, I was like 😱. She treated me like I was an adult. That moment I realized, I am an adult now!! I am 23. And with how i dress (formal attire at that moment), she definitely saw me like an adult. Then it occurred to me that I can never excused myself for not doing things that I am supposed to do, to escape from my responsibilities anymore. For nobody, and nobody will ever see me like a kid anymore though I still feel like one. 

So during that one and half hour of journey, I told myself to grow up internally, to change my perceptions of myself to be more of an adult. Im still struggling, to see myself as one but I am getting there. I was a really responsible kid before (maybe, maybe not 😝), and something changed in me that made me feel like rebelling and not caring a single shit in this world. All these during the Dark Age of my life. But I guess with this, I now have to slowly ease my way out of this shit hole. With no string attached.

I guess this is just my way of saying, adulthood is real and it is getting nearer, people!! There's no more fooling around in shitsies anymore. The time for me has come. Yours maybe not. But eventually, it will. 😎     

Just look at how clean the earth is from above...

Just something to ponder upon...
Talking about God's creation, just imagine this earth is like this white canvas, and you are the creator of everything. Just like The Sims. Isn't it magnificent on how God made the earth to have some kind of a system, with different continents have different functions to the earth's system in general. The mountains, trenches, seas, soils, knowledge, etc. The land itself is unexplorable by a single human being, let alone the seas where the deepest of the deepest is still not known. And and how out of those earth's riches come multiple colorful cultures and people and traditions and beliefs.
So, you as the creator, would you be able to come up with these kind of awesome ideas of these symbiotic relationships, that intertwine with each other that made life possible and unimaginable on earth??

I often think of things like these that made me

dislike humans very much. 😌 

Humans are disgusting.

New Chapter

It's been 2 years since I last posted here. So many things happened between now and then which might require me to create another blog just for that time period. 

Anyways, I am currently sitting somewhere, watching people finishing their maybe-not-so-typical Friday since it is gonna be the second last Friday that they will ever have here in SUNY University at Buffalo. And why am I here, you asked?? Just for fun, visiting a friend before graduation hits. And yeah. I ditched my Friday too, with all the possible group projects needed to be finished by Monday. And another reason why I am so free despite me being here in Buffalo. I got ditched by the very same person I am visiting as she needed to finish her group project. The irony. Hahaha But worry not. She'll be here in another half hour. Or maybe by the time I finish this piece. 

Ahhh. This carefree feeling. When will you ever get this again after your school/college life ends? Prolly not ever. 

The good news is, I'm back people!! Ready to entertain you with bits and pieces from my life. Hahaha Stronger than ever, without a care in this whole wide world. Judge away people, judge away. I would not give a FUCK about what you think, or feel, or say about me. Just try and throw me into the deepest trench again, maybe even deeper than the Mariana, and I will float my way up to the surface. 

WATCH ME!!

Damaged Goods

I thought I am okay with everything that happened. But nope. That's not the case. I really hope so. I feel betrayed, feel crushed. Goddamnit you fucking humans. Don't you really have anything else to do besides fanning other people's shit??

If that is not enough, you'll create one and splatter it across the vast ocean till every corner of the earth is covered with it.

I don't think I would be able to keep everybody by my side anymore. I just couldn't help it. Sorry guys. I would not include you guys anymore in my life. It is just too messed up. Sometimes I feel like blaming other people for the choices I made. Especially when things turned out to be the exact opposite of what I hoped for. But I know that I had a choice. But sometimes things do influenced by others. Humans. Pffftt.

I just hope that someday when we meet again, you would accept me the way I am. But worst come to worst, you guys would judge me again and the same thing would happen all over again.

I just realized that all these while, I have been living my life as if how others want me to live. I have never really know what I want, what I like, what I don't like, what I want to be, what I am hoping for. None.

These expectations, from these people, from these so-called moral guides, from these community, from these 3rd world minds, they are killing me right now.

I really feel that I haven't been able to breath. Really suffocated by these people around me. They said I am in the wrong party. Just because they belong to a totally different community. But that doesn't mean that everything has changed or I have lost myself.

To be honest, I haven't really found myself. I never have found myself at all. It is wrong to judge, discriminate, stereotype, you name it. Those group of people that they have judged, at least they made me laugh, they made me feel belonged, they made me feel loved, they made me feel like I am living my life, they made me appreciate myself, they made me not afraid of being me, and the most important is they made me ME!!

Who are you to come to my life and change it however you like?? HOW DARE YOU STEP A FOOT IN MY FUCKING LIFE AND DESTROY IT?? It is your right to judge whatever you feel like judging. Fuck like I care. BUT HOW COULD YOU SHOVE DOWN YOUR OPINION DOWN OTHER'S THROAT??

No matter how hard I tried to ignore it, I couldn't help it. I wasn't raised with love. I wasn't introduced to forgiveness. I wasn't familiar with... DAMN IT!!

Just go away. GO AWAY !! I am not done yet.

Dead

Auni is dead.

DEAD !!

Well, last time i killed myself, somebody resurrected me back to life, taught me what is love, taught me what is trust, taught me what is believing. 16 years of works finally able to sow a seed of life into my heart.

But then, this seed doesnt have the chance to live. It is like, the whole world is against it. Then, those people came and stepped on it. They didnt just step on it, but also sprayed poison to not let me grow.

So, in short, Auni is dead again.

Killed by those people.

Disappointed.

Welcome new readers, welcome to you all. :)

These past few days have been very interesting to me.

So many things that have happened. Both good and bad. Curious, aint you??

Hahaha

Well, one, I would say, I reconciled with my past. I am now learning to embrace what had happened to me, what had hurt me. I am now starting to learn how to love, trust, belief.

I am just like those baby seedlings that you plant in the soil. Learning to feel the soil, the water, the sun.

I am learning how to appreciate myself, how much value that I worth. Not just some kind of sampah masyarakat anymore. I am learning how to love God too, though He's been loving me for so long that sometimes I didnt even remember Him.

I have never been happier. These past few days was a blessing to me. I totally appreciate it.

However, just like Madison's weather, thunderstorm came along out of nowhere. Yepp. That's Madison. All my happy fantasy that I am now released from the shackles of the past, was now grind to dust.

I never knew such bad stories had been spreading around about me. Well, some part might be true, some not. Or the whole part was the truth, or none at all. We never know. You never know. How do you know it is the truth?? The ultimate truth?? 

"Nayy. Doesnt matter as long as it is controversial."

"Nayy. Doesnt matter as long as somebody tells the story, it happened anyways."

I am really disappointed. Totally disappointed.

Nobody came to me for the ultimate truths. Yet they believe those stories of stories of stories... And God knows how many "on stories" are there in the thread.

It is like "ABC". If I knew "N", I must definitely knew "A" till "M". I must definitely knew them. I must definitely do it. Is it always like that though?? Your call.

I wont say anything. It is all up to you. Whatever I said doesnt matter anyways. As long as you believe it that way.

Separuh penuh atau separuh kosong??

The same analogy applied to this one. Doesnt matter what I think, or what others think. It is just depends on how you see it anyways. And your reasoning behind that, and your justifications to make believe with yourself. But never really to the source of the story itself. 

It is always, always, ALWAYS like that anyways. So why bother??

To those who stayed, during my ups, but mostly downs, I love you guys. Only God knows how to repay you all, in building a human being to this world. Only you guys that hold me, though with a teeny, tiny, hair-like thread, able to keep me sane, that I put my hopes to. Thanks for the shoulders to cry on. Really really appreciate it especially now. :)

UPLIFTING Spring Break !!

My spring semester had been dull so far. And it might stay the same if it wasn't for Spring Break.

I would say it was the awesomest break ever. And God gave me that when I totally need it.

UPLIFTING aye?? 

Why all capital though?? Coz it is totally uplifting. Duhh.

I have never been at the bottomest of my life. So far, this is it, I would say.

I felt like crap. The worst of the scum. The ugliest, baddest scum ever lived on this planet Earth.

And I already planned for a trip to Iowa for TJM. However, I now what I needed and what is more important and worth going. So I went to City Lights instead. Plus, I am a go-with-the-flow-type of person. So a change in plan doesn't really mean anything.

Here we go...

The highlights of the week :

Gerry Chappeau - a fatherly figure

 This guy right here. Helped me in a lot of ways especially his talk about mirror, the broken healer.

His words lifted me up to a level where I have never been before.

This is me.

Yepp. I am a broken mirror. One of the small pieces. What would you do to these pieces of mirrors anyways?? Throw 'em out right?? Well, that's what I thought of myself for these past years I have been living. I thought I have no value at all. I am worthless. Not even a single penny.

With that, I often threw myself around, thinking that the world is no place to live in. I kept thinking of suicide every single day. But I know that suicide would solve nothing so I didn't do it. Yet.

But, God came and saved me. Through these people, He sent His loves saying that I am priceless. I am a beautiful princess. His beautiful princess. :')

Yepp I am broken !! So what ?! I finally able to admit that. Fuhh. The one thing that I have been running away from every second of my life. You have no idea how refreshing it is to have that burden lifted from your shoulder. And though I am a piece of broken mirror, I still AM a mirror, I am still able to reflect lights, His lights, into other people's life.

Becoming a wounded healer. Yepp. That's my next vanishing point (the one place where all the parallel lines meet) would be, praise the Lord to help me.

Megan Dorn - my new partner in crime

Coming up next is my new partner in crime. Don't take it literally though. That'll be crazeyy.

Well, let me put it this way. I have been hurt. And I have always kept myself in a teeny tiny box (if that ever fits) and shut everyone out. It was not a good thing, I know, I know. Just shut up, will ya??

God sent her to me, to hold my hands, get me back on my feet, then start making me jump all around. No words could ever describe how much I appreciate her presence in my life. Thank you would not do any justice.

But slowly, little by little, with the help of these wonderful people around me, showering me with loves, hugs and kisses, reflecting lights unto my darkened life, I sprouted into a cutey seedling. Heyy. Let me praise myself here. I am a cutie pie!! I am His beautiful princess, remember?? :)

This seedling of mine, though cute, it is still very fragile. 

Handle with care.

Ps: I do have a video on the talk about the broken mirror
and wounded healer by Gerry Chappeau.

Just gimme your email and I'll share
it with you.

Long Overdue

I am hurting.

Was. Is. I have no idea.

But sometimes I'm wondering, why is it when I am hurting, it is me all alone. And when I died already, lots of people tried to revive me. I am dead. DEAD. There's no point of reviving me.

Just give up, will you??

Emotional struggle is a lot more tiring. I knew that. Especially when the other opponent is yourself. I once participated in chess competition that required me to play 5 rounds. After the 3rd round, I  kissed the ground.

Mind vs. Heart

Who knows which will win.

Tired.