I feel like shouting out loud here. But I cant. Coz I know this is too public. Tho nobody will ever read all these craps that I wrote anyways.
But...
Arghh. I am desperate for a hug right now. But I cant have one here. Not right now. I dont know. I know there is something fishy going on around here. But I never thought that the news is...
Now I kinda feel grateful. But I was kinda scared. But I somehow feel sad too. I just dont know how to express it. Damn it.
Aku terlalu rindukan hambaMu yang bernama Ayra Nurqalesya ya Allah.
Terlalu. Teramat. Sungguh.
Indescribable.
You gives me a heart to love somebody O Allah. And now this love is growing stronger and stronger. I sometimes just cant bear with it O Allah. This love is too painful. I cant see her growing. I cant see her walking. I cant see her playing. I cant see her laughing. I cant see her jumping.
At some point, she would not even know who I am. When i get back, if and only if i get back to Malaysia, which I dont want to, she would have start going to school and such. My presence would not have any significant in her life.
Sometimes I feel as if it is better for me to not exist in her world at all, completely. I love her too much.
IDK.
It is all up to You O Allah. You know what's best for us. Please sends this abundance love of mine to her O Allah.
"Kamu semua orang Islam. Kita semua saudara. Sepatutnya cubit paha kanan, paha kiri juga terasa. Mana janji manis kita berkata, "Muslim itu saudara"?"
tersentap. tersangkak seketika. apa yang aku dah buat untuk bantu mereka?
kemudian, ini pula datang menjelma.
cerita bermula minit ke 2:49. lihatlah sehingga ke penghujungnya. sila fokus pada minit ke 4:03.
kemudian, aku termangu sendiri. yg mana satu kah yg ingin aku jadi??
BURUNG kah??
BI kah??
CICAK kah??
berfikir secara rasional, ya, semua orang akan pilih...
BURUNG !!
tapi, bila kita buat refleksi diri, kita sebenarnya yg mana satu?? tepuk dada tanya diri.
sendiri tanya pun, hanya mampu tersedak. :/
now, dgn berita hangat tersebar ttg kawan-kawan kita kat GAZA sana, apa yang kita dah buat? no. apa yang aku dah buat untuk bantu dorg?? emosi pasal hal duniawi?? yang xmungkin aku bawak mati?? :O
akan tiba suatu saat, Allah xkan tanya sama ada aku mampu jatuhkan Israel atau tidak. tapi, Allah akan tanya, apa yg aku dah buat untuk sekurang-kurangnya menyumbang dalam kejatuhan Israel itu.
Every problem has its own solution. What matter the most is not the SOLUTION. but THE JOURNEY IN FINDING the solutions.
Another example:
Problem: Takde duit nak beli makanan.
Solution: Money money money money~ MONEY !! *gaya the apprentice*
How we find the solution:
1. Mintak mak?? mak tak bagi.
2. Mintak abah?? abah suruh mintak mak. which the answer is "NO".
3. Seluk poket, rembat duit mak?? atau merayu kat mak?? atau pecah tabung??
so, basically, the solution is important. but how we get the solution is much more important.
More than a year has passed since we met and know each other. It was a bliss knowing you. It really is a bliss. I dont know why. I dont know how. Maybe some part of me, there is something wrong.
I am not blaming you, my dear friend. I blame myself. Not you. I cant deny the fact that sometimes I do feel lonely. Away from Malaysia. Away from Malaysians. But that is my choice. I CHOSE to live far away from them. I CHOSE to despise them. In the end, i feel lonely and keep complaining about it. But who's to blame?? Isn't it me?? That's obvious right??
Some part of me want to be alone while the other part dont. I choose to be further away but at the same time, I dont want to. I dont know. I am confused.
I... I... I...
It is too complicated to understand. I cant even understand what am I thinking at times.
Those are the feelings that keep swinging on my heart. They just dont want to go. How can i ever chase them away? I am not that strong. Bullshit. I was never strong. All i did was swallowing all those things up and pretending that nothing had happened.
I want to tell the world how hurt I am. But i just can't.
I can't take this anymore. I have been crying for the past three nights. I thought that this morning, I would wake up with a wide smile on my face. But that just never happen. Yet, I continue crying, even now, early in the morning.
Waking up with a shattered heart, knowing that you have betrayed someone and at the same time knowing that you have been betrayed by someone else, how would that feel? Of course your heart would turn to dust straight away. I have totally lose hope in humanity.
I hate this new self of mine. Full of emotions and keep on crying every time. I want my old self back, where I can kill every single insect that I found without feeling sad, where I can damage every thing I see in front of me without feeling guilty. But now, what have I turned into?
Having a strong memory is good, some said that. But you know what? It sucks !! Those memories kill me deep within. Not just those, ALL OF THEM ARE !! Some said that without those memories, I can't be the 'ME' now. But what is the functions of the new 'me' if it just make me keep on crying days and nights?
Sometimes I think 'if i run away, my guarantors would be in trouble. But they wouldn't if i die, right?' But worry not my friends. I still can think straight. I know it is not the best solution of all.
I just want to be my old self, emotionless, care nothing about anything, everything.
Settling down for the day. Tiba2 terdetik di hati ini, "Bila nak azan ni??" Terlupa bahawa diri ini terlalu asing di bumi ini. Begitu juga yang terjadi kepada agama yang kubawa ini. Kesyahduan menyentap tangkai jiwa. Kuluahkan perasaan itu ke alam maya. Ada yg menyambut. Ramai juga yg terasa perkara yg sama. Kesayuan makin galak menggayut di hati. Hafifi sarankan aku untuk mendengar laungan azan from lappy. Yess. I know tht nowadays we have technology. Bt hearing azan recital from a machine is nothing. I want something more real, more solid.
Tanpa walau sesaat pun kuberlengah lagi, kepada Hafifi kupanjatkan hajat untuk mendengar laungan azan. He called me straight away. Sitting straight, with both my earphones on, i heard him getting prepared. Then he asked, "Nak masuk Isyak dah kan??" I said, "Lebih kurang laa." And then, POOF!! Tanpa kusedari, air mataku mengalir, mendengar ayat suci, seruan takbir...
Selesai Hafifi melaungkan azan yang begitu syahdu, aku tidak mampu bersuara. Puas Hafifi menyeru dan memanggil namaku. Aku hanya mampu tersedu-sedu. Setelah kuberjaya mengumpulkan segala kekuatan yang ada, panggilan Hafifi kusambut. Lantas kuputuskan talian. Sungguh terkesan laungan azan yang berkumandang.
Terima kasih Ya Allah kerana kumasih diberi peluang untuk mendengar seruan azanMu. Walaupun sekadar melalui talian, sudah cukup untuk mengubat rasa pilu dihati ini. :') Terima kasih juga Ya Allah kerana telah menghantar seorang teman bagi merealisasikan impian dan harapan yang tiba2 hadir di kala ku kesunyian. Untuk itu, aku terlalu menyayanginya Ya Allah. Kesudiannya menyambut permintaanku tanpa ragu2 membuatku sangat terharu Ya Allah. Apatah lagi perbuatannya itu mendekatkanku kepadaMu. Peliharalah dia buatku. Agar nanti suatu saat, dapat kubertemu dengannya. Mungkin juga suatu saat, kami akan melangkah ke sana dan bertemu di hadapanMu.
I havent upated my blog, this blog fr quite a loooooooong time. Im sorry blog. I kinda forget bout ur existance. Really really sorry. Im now in a very foreign country. Away from malaysia. Away from malaysian.
Setting my feet here in Madison, without knowing a place to live is such a dramatic twist of my life. Luckily i have few seniors here, which i met only on facebook. They offered me help n a place to stay for a while.
Searching fr a house or even a room to stay, here in Madison, is a very tedious work. You'll understand the reason why I say so only when you come here and try it by yourself.
This city is well known for its lakes. They are very beautiful. It is a superb scenery. Walking down here and there, knocking on random doors, meeting up new people are things that I never think I'll do.
Despite the challenges, I learn a lot about this twisted and complicated life of mine. I'm very thankful to God. Alhamdulillah. :')
i was looking for myself, everywhere. but it was nowhere to be found. i found nothing. only dust. here and there. a very dear friend of mine, asked me to take some time off and ponder over every twisted ways in my life tht ive been through. then i finally saw something, someone. deep inside. in the midst of everything, sitting at a dark corner, hugging knees up to her chin, shivering.
then, she looked up, staring right into my eyes, making my heart shivers. she's trying to convey a message. something. that only i can understand.
she's me. the one that has been neglected. from long before.
all these while, ive been living in my own world. looking only at my own dreams. little did i know, lotsa other worlds are waiting to be discovered by me.
but now, im stepping out. into the whole universe. n peeking into those tiny worlds of others n starting to see their dreams too.
i now, no longer see a person in front of me. but the whole bunch, jumping n running around, around their own globes.
which in the end, makes me feel like appreciating every single things tht i have around me even more. :')
alhamdulillah doa aku dimakbulkan. :) but to ask for such a bad thing, n then dimakbulkan, i guess its not tht fun. :( so be careful of what u wished for.
setiap yang terjadi ada hikmahnya. n i guess i know why. thank you Allah. alhamdulillah. but to actually wait for the hikmah to show up, ive questioned few things. i did few things. which i know is kinda bad for myself. i do believe that hikmah will show up one day. its just a matter of time. but as a human being, i cnt help myself sometimes. i just cnt wait. i wanna hear the good news as soon as i can.
but little did i realize, Allah has prepared everything to be revealed at the very right moment. indeed.
Pagi ni, terbangun awal sangat. Pastu, tiba-tiba rasa sentap. Rasa sedih yang amat sangat. :'( Kepala berpinar. Hidung tersumbat. Tekak berpasir. Suara tersekat. Mata bergenang. Hanya ada satu nama je yang berlegar-legar. Tangan dok capai fon zaman jepun yang tgh tggu masa je nak masuk tong sampah. Dalam hati nak sangat call org yang tersayang. Name on the screen. Sikit je lagi. Namun, tangan tu tak mampu nak teruskan tekan. Semacam ada satu kuasa yang menghalang. Haihh. -_-
Then, aku terasa lapar. Perasaan sedih bertandang kembali. Kini, dah xd sapa nak ajak aku brekpes o diajak brekpes. Kalau dulu, siap ada org bebel2 suruh bangun, pastu bebel2 lapar, pastu bebel2 lagi. Tho u bebel much, do u realize that all those things laa yang buat aku makin sayang n rindu kat kau?? Laa ni, sekor pon xd nak buat ajak borak. Bukan setakat borak, nak bertentang mata pun xd. Home alone. Sadis much. :'(
Cerita ku kini, bukan seperti dulu lagi. Kini, ku hanya sendiri. Tiada lagi tawamu, tiada lagi bebelan manjamu, tiada lagi marahmu, tiada lagi tangismu. Yang tinggal, hanyalah seribu kasih, sejuta memori.
Pertemuan dengan Syahir pagi tadi telah menyingkap suatu rahsia
dalam diri ini. Siapa sangka diri manusia yang terlalu complicated ni,
sebenarnya sangat mudah untuk ditafsir, sangat mudah untuk dibaca. Siapa sangka.
Aku pun tidak sedar akan hakikat itu. Namun tidak semua orang mampu untuk
mentafsir dan membaca. Hanya mereka-mereka yang cukup faham dan cukup teliti.
Aku rasa aku sangat laa jahat. Hati aku jahat. Aku rasa sangat
sedih. Entah kenapa aku boleh jadi camni. Tapi Syahir kata tu bukan jahat. Itu
ialah lumrah manusia. Haihh. –_- Complicated tau. –_- Aku tak suka macam ni.
Mungkin, sehingga kini, aku mampu untuk melawan hasutan hawa nafsu yang membara.
Tapi sampai bila aku mampu bertahan. Aku juga manusia biasa. Lama-lama, aku
takut aku akan rebah mencium bumi jua. Mungkin bila tiba saat itu nanti, aku
hanya mampu untuk membenci diri sendiri.
Sebenarnya, cukup susah untuk kita melawan kehendak sendiri.
Cukup sakit, cukup pedih, cukup pahit. Semakin lama, semakin besar, semakin
bergelora, semakin meronta jiwa raga. Tapi mujurlah kekuatan kasih sayang yang
melimpah ruah ke ladang gandum mampu menangkis kejahatan hawa nafsu yang
bergelojak di dada, memadam api dengki dan iri hati.
Ya Allah, Kau kekalkanlah kasih sayang itu di dalam jiwa hambaMu
ini Ya Allah. Agar hambaMu ini sentiasa berada di jalan yang diredaiMu.
Tonight is the last night for us ATU18 ADFPians in akasia. Sambil aku bergolek-golek dengan bahagianya sampai ke depan pintu toilet, tiba-tiba Put masuk sambil kepit buku dia.
"Auni, boleh tolong tak??"
"Tolong apa??" *pasang muka ketat*
"Tolong kejap je. Tak sampai 5 minit pong. It depends on you."
"Nah. Tulis laa anything that you want inside. I know it's cliche. But I love these cliche things."
"Okayy." *still pasang muka ketat but ekceli nak jejoget sekampung*
Bukak je buku tu, rasa macam bukak peti besi harta karun wooo. Macm-macam kawan dia tulis dalam tu. :O Habis segala memory zaman jepun yg dah berhabuk, siap bersawang, dah berhantu dah pon, semua datang sekali. :O Dulu-dulu, aku pon suka sangat buat menatang ni. :O Asal jumpa kawan baru or nak berpisah je, pasti aku akan suruh orang tulis something dalam buku khas. Konon-konon nak sweet laa. Nak stay in contact laa kebenda laa. -_- Now ntah ke mana semua buku-buku tu pergi. -_- Haihh. Hangat-hangat tahi ayam. Pffftt. -_-
Fikir punya fikir nak tulis apa untuk Put, aku meniba tertacing. Pulak dah. Abes ke laut bagai dah kepala otak aku ni. -_- Pastu, segala urat-urat saraf yg xbrape nak betul ni pon bekerja laa. And then... POOFF !! I came up with this. *jejoget* :D
"Aku xd idea laa nk tulis blog. -_- " "Fatwa hati. Fatwa hati. Tulis pasal fatwa hati."
Fatwa hati?? :O Makeluk dari mana pulak laa datang turun ni?? :O Siyes xpernah tau pon kewujudan fatwa hati ni. :O *ignorant level 10* Haihh. Yelahh yelahh. Aku buat laa. *gugel sana gugel sini**tanya sana tanya sini* Okayy. Itu tipu. Sebab aku tanya sorang kawan je. -_-
"Berhati-hatilah dalam menjaga hati kerana di situ letaknya iman, tumpahnya takwa. Andai hati kita dicemari dosa dan noda, maka matilah hayat sekeping hati itu untuk bertasbih kepadaNya"
Okayy. Fatwa hati ehh. From my research and understanding, fatwa tu fatwa laa. Hati tu hati laa. So, fatwa hati tu, hati kita sendiri yang buat fatwa ke atas sesuatu perkara dan menolak fatwa-fatwa yang orang lain buat. Bukan hukum yang ditetapkan dalam al-quran, tapi fatwa yang kita manusia yang jahil ni buat. :) So, in short, hati kita ni laa yang judge sendiri apa2 yang kita buat.
Rasullulah pernah bersabda: "Mintalah fatwa (bertanyalah) kepada hatimu, kebajikan ialah sesuatu yang jiwa dan hati merasa tenang terhadapnya, manakala dosa ialah sesuatu yang menimbulkan perasaan serba salah dalam jiwa dan menggelisahkan dada, sekalipun berbagai fatwa yang diberikan oleh manusia (bahawa ia adalah halal atau haram)." (Hadis riwayat Imam Ahmad)
Basically, fatwa hati ni, kalau kita ada apa-apa yang kita ragui, kita boleh tanya hati kita sama ada benda tu betul atau salah. Kasi korek hati tu dalam-dalam sikit hati tu. Bukan pakai sebat je mana-mana yang hati kita rasa. Analyze jauh sikit ala-ala sampai negeri China tu, pastu pakai laa. :) But.. There's always a 'but'. Fatwa hati ni pon, bukan suka suki sipot sedot kau je nak pakai tau, rembat je mana-mana yang kau rasa, yang kau jumpa. -_-
Manusia ni in general, ada 3 jenis hati.
1. Hati yang sihat gedebom - ni kira cam hati tu superb laa. Tapi xd laa perfek sangat pon. Typical manusia kann. :)
2. Hati yang sakit - yang ni faham2 laa sendiri. Kalau dah sakit tu, maksudnya hati tu sakit laa. Kejap elok kejap tingtong. Tapi kita kena tengok jugak level sakit dia tahap berapa. Kronik ke, nazak ke, or just demam selsema.
3. Hati yang mati - yang ni, kalau dah kata mati tu, memang xboleh pakai laa kan. -_-
Fatwa hati ni, boleh laa kita kata valid kalau nak pakai hanya jika sekiranya that particular person ada mempunyai lalu memiliki hati yang sihat dan kuat tanpa terbersin walau sekali pun. :O *garu2 hidung sambil fikir aku pernah bersin ke tak* Tapi kalau hati anda suci murni lagi berkualiti pon, jangan laa membuta tuli, menonong je jalan ke depan ikut hati go straight dont belok-belok tu. Tanya laa jugak few people bout their opinions and their knowledge together with their perspectives. :D
Who knows, there might be something that you don't, can't or won't see while others see 'em clearly. :O
h a h a h a h e h e h e h i h i h i h o h o h o h u h u h u
Okayy. Ni dah terlebih excited actually. Blog baru laa katakan. -_- Blog lama tu ada je. But... There's always a 'but'. Paham2 je lahh. :) Okayy. Since this is my first post, pasti laa ramai xkenal kan. :) Thus, let me introduce myself. Saya ni comel orangnya. Pffftt. I wish. -_- Nama aku sangat panjang. Pastu, potong dua. So, dia jadi pendek sikit. ...(censored due to public image). Tu diaa. Siap ada apostrophe. -_- Tapi kat most documents, i mean sijil, school stuffs, etc, apostrophe tu selalu hilang. -_- Haihh. Jahanam nama aku. -_- Takpelahh. Apa boleh buat. Kat rumah, i called myself KAK AU, even with my older sibs. -_- Other people used to call me AUNI. But to some, they call me KAK AU jugak. :) And i kinda like that. :D But currently, there are also certain people that call me MAMA AU. :) Writing this post, i have only a week left before i graduated from a preparatory college called INTEC. -_- And with that, im gonna leave a lot of things here. Not really here, here. But here, here. If u know what i mean. :P
This is me. Hewhewhew I wish. Pffftt -_-
Now this IS me. For real. :)
I just dont know what else to say. But one thing for sure, being in INTEC sure has changed me a lot. A LOT. I dont really know how, why, whatever. But it sure has. :D
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