Enough !!

Hurt. Jealous. Sad.

Those are the feelings that keep swinging on my heart. They just dont want to go. How can i ever chase them away? I am not that strong. Bullshit. I was never strong. All i did was swallowing all those things up and pretending that nothing had happened. 

I want to tell the world how hurt I am. But i just can't.

I can't take this anymore. I have been crying for the past three nights. I thought that this morning, I would wake up with a wide smile on my face. But that just never happen. Yet, I continue crying, even now, early in the morning.

Waking up with a shattered heart, knowing that you have betrayed someone and at the same time knowing that you have been betrayed by someone else, how would that feel? Of course your heart would turn to dust straight away. I have totally lose hope in humanity. 

I hate this new self of mine. Full of emotions and keep on crying every time. I want my old self back, where I can kill every single insect that I found without feeling sad, where I can damage every thing I see in front of me without feeling guilty. But now, what have I turned into?

Having a strong memory is good, some said that. But you know what? It sucks !! Those memories kill me deep within. Not just those, ALL OF THEM ARE !! Some said that without those memories, I can't be the 'ME' now. But what is the functions of the new 'me' if it just make me keep on crying days and nights?

Sometimes I think 'if i run away, my guarantors would be in trouble. But they wouldn't if i die, right?' But worry not my friends. I still can think straight. I know it is not the best solution of all.

I just want to be my old self, emotionless, care nothing about anything, everything.

Apple Picking & Pie Baking

Dawn and the bus driver

Jonet misses home (Malaysia)

Excited maybe. :O

Sweet tak?? ihihi

The farm stretched till the end of what your eyes can see.

The barn

Apparently I am too lazy to talk about the journey. Let the pictures talk. :D

Azan Yang Berkumandang

Settling down for the day. Tiba2 terdetik di hati ini, "Bila nak azan ni??" Terlupa bahawa diri ini terlalu asing di bumi ini. Begitu juga yang terjadi kepada agama yang kubawa ini. Kesyahduan menyentap tangkai jiwa. Kuluahkan perasaan itu ke alam maya. Ada yg menyambut. Ramai juga yg terasa perkara yg sama. Kesayuan makin galak menggayut di hati. Hafifi sarankan aku untuk mendengar laungan azan from lappy. Yess. I know tht nowadays we have technology. Bt hearing azan recital from a machine is nothing. I want something more real, more solid.

Tanpa walau sesaat pun kuberlengah lagi, kepada Hafifi kupanjatkan hajat untuk mendengar laungan azan. He called me straight away. Sitting straight, with both my earphones on, i heard him getting prepared. Then he asked, "Nak masuk Isyak dah kan??" I said, "Lebih kurang laa." And then, POOF!! Tanpa kusedari, air mataku mengalir, mendengar ayat suci, seruan takbir... 

Selesai Hafifi melaungkan azan yang begitu syahdu, aku tidak mampu bersuara. Puas Hafifi menyeru dan memanggil namaku. Aku hanya mampu tersedu-sedu. Setelah kuberjaya mengumpulkan segala kekuatan yang ada, panggilan Hafifi kusambut. Lantas kuputuskan talian. Sungguh terkesan laungan azan yang berkumandang. 

Terima kasih Ya Allah kerana kumasih diberi peluang untuk mendengar seruan azanMu. Walaupun sekadar melalui talian, sudah cukup untuk mengubat rasa pilu dihati ini. :') Terima kasih juga Ya Allah kerana telah menghantar seorang teman bagi merealisasikan impian dan harapan yang tiba2 hadir di kala ku kesunyian. Untuk itu, aku terlalu menyayanginya Ya Allah. Kesudiannya menyambut permintaanku tanpa ragu2 membuatku sangat terharu Ya Allah. Apatah lagi perbuatannya itu mendekatkanku kepadaMu. Peliharalah dia buatku. Agar nanti suatu saat, dapat kubertemu dengannya. Mungkin juga suatu saat, kami akan melangkah ke sana dan bertemu di hadapanMu.

Pelihara dia. Satu pintaku.

A New Journey. A New Beginning.

I havent upated my blog, this blog fr quite a loooooooong time. Im sorry blog. I kinda forget bout ur existance. Really really sorry. Im now in a very foreign country. Away from malaysia. Away from malaysian.

Setting my feet here in Madison, without knowing a place to live is such a dramatic twist of my life. Luckily i have few seniors here, which i met only on facebook. They offered me help n a place to stay for a while.

Searching fr a house or even a room to stay, here in Madison, is a very tedious work. You'll understand the reason why I say so only when you come here and try it by yourself.

This city is well known for its lakes. They are very beautiful. It is a superb scenery. Walking down here and there, knocking on random doors, meeting up new people are things that I never think I'll do.

Despite the challenges, I learn a lot about this twisted and complicated life of mine. I'm very thankful to God. Alhamdulillah. :')

Amanda's House

Steven's House