Fall 2013 in a Nutshell

Autumn Overnight. Awesome one night out with the IVs. stayed up all night talking. Miahahaha. 

Cross Training. What ??!! As per its name, Cross Training, yuppy. :) I would say that was the highlight of the semester. At CT, I learned lots of wonderful things. I wish I stand up that night. Idk. Too afraid maybe. But Im just confused. Idk. Dont talk to me. Also, awesome possum healing prayer with Paul and Johnny which drained my energy for the whole day and broke the dam - all three of us. Ohh wait. Maybe only two. :O Still, awesome possum. :D

Then comes Thanksgiving. Went to Johnny's with Tomo, Cheikh and Hamdi. It was awesome !! Met Jacquelyn on Black Friday night !! Laughing at people as they swarmed through the mall and all. :P 

Lost my phone at Johnny's Grandma's but got it back on Monday. I kinda like the weekend w/o my phone. I felt like I was freed from sth - the technology. 

Next comes the secret ice cream project. Awesome Possum. Miahahaha 

Volunteering at West High School for Light Program under Nehemiah. Ni semua kerja Johnny. Miahahaha. Whatevs. Awesome possum. 

And also volunteering for the school for Isaiah. I would say it was adventurous at first coz he was my first lab rat ever for tutoring. But now I would say we are getting along pretty well. Though still a bit awkward at times. :) Really hope that I could stay tutoring him but my schedule for next sem doesnt allow me to do so. :(

Then last but not least, the semester is wrapped up with a trip to Seattle !! Miahahaha

Wait for me loves !!

Hilang

Pabila kumencari. Letih kuberpusing ke sana ke mari. Namun tiada kutemui. 

Semakin aku melangkah, semakin jauh aku ditinggalkan. Mungkin, tiada kudrat untuk aku meneruskan. Lalu kuberhenti. Kaku.

Ingin kumenyeru. Kelu. Tiada kata mengalir jatuh. 

Ingin kugapai sambutan. Tiada huluran buatku. 

Mungkin, aku berpaling ke arah yang bertentangan. 

God.

Summer Training Camp

Here we go again. Hello uolls. (ni kenapa aku berjangkit si Nas ni?? -_-" ) Dah lama kita tak berjumpa kann?? :O

So, last weekend, June 14 - 17, weolls menapak ke Natchez Trace State Park, Tennessee. Weolls as in me, Ain, Nasrul and Faiz gemukk. :O

Long story short, camp tu best laa jugak. Not bad. Jumpa ramai org, main air, hiking, jaga budak2, etc. However, aku rasa ada sedikit terkilan. Aku xtau kenapa. Maybe I had higher expectations over STC itself. Oh yeahh !! And to make matter worse, I kinda compare it with WiRe. 

To those who dont  know, WiRe stands for Winter Retreat, a bible camp that i attended few months back.

Mungkin sbb STC tahun ni kurang seronok compared to STC tahun lepas (bak kata Nas) coz I wasnt even here to even attend last year's. 

Mungkin jugak sbb number of people yg attend this year's is lesser. Ummmph dia kurg sikit. Kononnya laa. 

Mungkin juga sbb aku xberapa nak kenal ngn org2 yg ada camp tu. Aku xrasa as if I am a part of them. Aku rasa mcm org asing. Sbb prior to WiRe, I already know all of them. So, I  feel belonged. But STC ni, hampehh. Even time aku jumpa kawan2 aku dr other uni pun, aku xrasa seseronok dulu. Coz maybe time and distance kinda change us to be a lil bit different than what we used to be. Walau nampak pada mata kasarnya kami mesra kelaut. :O 

Macam ni. :O

Tapi hati ini tetap berasa jauh. :O And I dont like that. 

Idk. I dont want them to know me as deep as my other circle of friends knew me. But at the same time, I want to be treated the same. Unfair, isnt it?? I dont want to allow them to cross the boundaries yet I want them to be able to see what's on the other side. Cruel me. 

But it is too scary.

Hey hey hey. 

Lari topik dah ni. Back to STC then. So, that's basically it. 

Toodles~

So Much To Tell...

Well. So many things happened in the past few weeks. But i just dont feel like writing anything. my typical emotional fluctuations. 

suicide, happy, angry, sad, suicide again, hopeless... 

Nayy. Dont worry. Thats normal. I discover a new talent that I think I dont have at all. 

Drawing !! Weee~

Only I could understand what I drew tho. :P

While writing this, I actually have a 5-page paper that I have to write and send in another 4 hours, without even knowing what I am going to write about. So, yeahh~

Okayy buhbye. :)

Deceitfulness Of Sins = Calluses

This is what I learnt from church two weeks ago. 

Hebrew 3. 

As usual, I wont talk about what Hebrew 3 is, bla bla bla. This time, Father Christ talked about the path of life, how it is not as straight as we believe it to be. He started his Sunday talk with a story of a gymnast. 

The gymnast will bring a razor to every practice and cut the calluses of his hands. It is to ensure that he will have a smoother hands for gripping the poles and stuffs.

Before the gymnast get this kind of calluses, he will grip on the poles till he bleeds his hands. After a while, the calluses will develop.

Father Christ somehow put calluses and deceitfulness of sins together. But... how does that work??

Okayy. Just imagine that our hearts and the gymnast hands are the same. At first, when we do a sin, our heart will say "NOOOOOO!!" and it will be painful to do that sin. However, if you do the sin continuously, just like the gymnast who practice non-stop, calluses will come to his hands and your heart. If the calluses on his hands are for protection against the friction of the metal rod, your calluses will protect you against your guilt of doing sins. That somewhat means that you wont be afraid of doing sins anymore, you wont feel guilty of doing sins anymore, you will feel that doing a small sin is okayy. Then as times passed, you will feel that it is okayy to do sins, even the bigger ones as you would feel normal doing it, your heart wont feel that doing it is a guilty thing to do. Hati mati. Yeahh. 

In other words, perseverance is a good thing, if and only if when you do good things, thus a good habit will develop. But perseverance is also a bad thing, when you do bad things, of course. -_- Just like the calluses that will surround your heart. 

Hebrew 3:13 - But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called "Today", so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.

So, here, friends are very important in one's life, as a matter of fact, more important than family, if you live far far away from them. In fact, is still important tho you live with your family, as 3/4 of your time is used for your friends - chatting, gossiping, fb-ing, twitter-ing, etc. 

Friends = encouragement

But... what kind of encouragement does these circle of friends of yours give you?? A bad one or a good one?? Same as the perseverance.

You choose. 

Jamey's

Slave of sins vs living in Jesus : Fuhh. Quite a big topic we have here. :O

There's more to it than it meets the eyes. There are a lot of things that pulled my heart even closer. How they see things, how they accept things. Idk. It is hard to describe. This is what i got from the camp.

Distance : Our distance to God doesnt determine the accuracy of our relationship to God. 

My interpretation is like this. Kita nampak seorang hamba Allah ni alim sgt. But can we say that he is close to God?? Cant we say so?? I dont know. Coz we can never see what is behind the things that we are seeing. Can we judge people on how we see them?? What about the things that we dont?? Is it fair then to that person?? So in other words, if that person may look bad to you, that doesnt mean that he is far from God or anything. He might be closer than we could ever imagine. It is us who dont see things with our naked eyes. 

God = Life : Whoever rejects God, he has no life, or in short, die.

Every single thing in this world has no one definite meaning. EVERY ONE OF THEM. We can say that there are 2 types of death - physically and spiritually. There are people nowadays who are moving around and control the world but they are actually zombies, nothing inside their hearts, kinda holey. And vice versa, there are also people who have actually died, but they are still alive in terms of spirituality for example Jesus for Christians and Muhammad SAW for the Muslims. 

Simple disobedience : Adam and Eve

Adam and Eve disobedience may looked simple, but it has caused such an uproar on Earth. Have we ever think about even the simplest disobedience that we have made?? A simple disobedience, you might say, but have you ever wonder about during that simple disobedience, our heart actually says 'NO' to God?? Have we ever think about that?? It is a simple disclaimer of God we could say. I have been the word 'simple disobedience' a lot like a lot. Have you ever think about that?? The simplest you could ever think about - socks, hand socks, ikhtilat, lying or 'white lies' (some called it that), etc. Simple but we actually deny the presence of God?? Simple but we actually despise the power of God?? Simple but isn't it just the same even with the big sins that we have done?? 

I might say all this stuffs while I am actually swimming in sins, but it is not a wrong thing to do to remind each other right?? Just like how Allah teach us through Surah al-Asr. Coz I know that I am just a mere human. I am not perfect. I am not like our beloved prophet to not live in sins. But yeahh, we have each other, so, use them. In a good way I mean. Together to Jannah kann?? :D

Broken chains of sins : Everybody who believes in Christ is sinless.

This is an interesting part of Christianity, I would say. In her talk, Jamey gave us a picture. We are cuffed like a real cuff, with metal of sins. The chains of sins are BROKEN by Christ when he came to save them. And he picked all the chains up and took them away with him. "The chains are not chaining, but Satan is trying to put it back on you." Wonder why I capitalize the word 'broken'?? Coz the cuffs are broken, so it cant bind you anymore. 

That analogy is so interesting. In another perspective, Satan's attempt in making us live in sins. Can you see how we actually are not bound to the sins that we had done, or continuously doing, or are doing, etc?? Even out of habit that we do the sins, we are not tied to it. Satan is trying his best to make us feel like it. It is just your feeling and... Satan. :) You are stronger than you actually think you are. Like the analogy itself, when we feel like the sins have chained us down, it is just a mere illusions by Satan. They want us to feel down, they want us to feel hopeless, they want us to lose hope in God. Close your eyes... and deny the strong illusions of the chains which in fact are already broken and loosely hang on to us. Use your imagination and kick them away. 

So, those are the knowledge that I managed to chain down with my humanly strength. Bak kata Saidina Ali bin Abi Talib, tie science by writing. I have done my best so far. Wtv. So, there you go. :)

Camping Day 1

Now here I am, at the Lake Waubesa Bible Camp. Hooyeahh. I go to a bible camp now. So what do you want to do?? Hit me with a stick?? Go ahead. :P

So far, it was good. During the ice breaking session, Billy created a clap thing that requires us to move forward then backwards when we touch the person next to you. Guess what?? The positions were mixed up due to smaller groups from before. I was quite worried at first as to my left, there was Ben (I think that is his name. I think. Or is it Sam??) Nvm then. The game was about to start. I was like Oh no-ing in my heart. Who could actually hear it huh?? I guess God does. :) Coz pooff !! Out of nowhere, Kristi came and were squiggling in between us. I saw her about few spaces from me before. I didnt even know that she would do that. I didnt even know that she ever know what I was thinking. So, that touchy feely kinda things creep up inside me. I feel like hugging her really tight, squeezing the air out of her lungs. That is how much I love her that moment.

Then it was the discussion session. We were required to answer and discuss few questions. Those were mind-blowing. POOF !! There you go again. Hahaha I have never ask myself those sort of questions before.   Somehow those questions made me wonder about my real relationship with God. Have I done enough to please Him?? Do I really live because of Him?? Or do I only focus on temporary earthly things only?? Mindblown. No joke. 

The worshiping part. The songs have that kind of touchy feely too. Xtipu bro. Out of nowhere, I felt angry, I clenched my fist in my pocket. Chelsea suddenly came and hug me. I cried. Hahaha Silly me. 

I feel stupid. Really stupid.

Crying is stupid.

"Oh, how He loves us,

Oh how He loves us, 

Oh how He loves us..."

(How He Loves - the name of the song if you feel like finding it)

May tomorrow be a better day for me.

This is suppose to be posted 2 nights ago. But due to some technical difficulties, I wrote it down and only now I posted it. :)

Creeping Sadness...

These past few days were like roller coaster. Sometimes I was up, sometimes down. I have never thought about this before. So last night, those creepy sadness came again. I didnt know what to do. I tried to keep few hugs with me but once again, I failed. 

Today was exactly the same. It was quite slow at first, happy for a while, the by 2pm, I was surrounded by those creepy feelings again. I wanted to go home and end the day, but I couldnt as I still have classes till 8. I know, I know. There's still about 6 hours to go at that time. 

Too sad to function, with no one around me that I could claim a hug from, I ended up eating to all my heart desired. 

Finished eating all those only after 15mins. 

Yeahh I know. Tu bukan makan sebab lapar. Tu makan sebab nafsu. Setan banyak kanan kiri tau?? But I was so sad. I just cant help it. So what?? Aku xkacau org pun. 

Tho after eating those, the sadness was still creeping around. I tried to shoo them away. But they wouldnt move a finger (as if they have one. Hmmm) I looked around again. The area was empty. Not literally but empty laa. Haishh. Tak faham2 ke?? -..-

Only a salt shaker want to be my friend at that moment. :'(

Then, I stayed there for about an hour, resting my head against the window, looking out the window and at the floor alternately. How I wish to suddenly have a friend to appear behind me and pat my back. But that was just my imaginations. Pathetic. I know. 

On my way back to class, I covered my head completely, like a zombie crossing the streets. I havent feel like this for quite a while. Sometimes I feel like stopping my steps in the middle of nowhere and let everything sweep me away or even send me flying. Hahaha 

Okayy. If you understand it, shhh. Hahaha

Then, I cried. Hahaha Stupid me. Cried over nothing. Bahh. Another class went by. I didnt feel like participating at all. But I ended up did. Silly me. Again. 

Now still waiting for the last class. Discussion actually. I dont feel like going coz I want to go to a dinner by MJVI. I wanna go there. I want food. I WANT FOOD !! But aku masih mampu berfikiran waras. Mungkin. And I totally feel that I really should go to the discussion instead of the dinner.

Allah would give us what we NEED, not what we WANT coz the things that we want are not always good for us. He knows best. :) I believe that He would give me something even better than that. InsyaAllah. 

And after this one class, I dont feel like going home straight away. I feel like going to a place where there is only me and me and me. I know where that is. The place where my heart could wonder about everything, the place where I feel I am in control, the place where I am on top of everybody. Muahahahahaha

On the highest place, I'll be the lowest. 

At the big place, I'll occupy the tiny corner. 

Snow or chilling wind, my heart is still burning.

Cycle or walk, it doesnt matter. 

As long as solitude is my friend. 

Of God's Love, His Righteous Path, Wandering Heart, Curious Mind and Barren Soul

It was during class today. I got a message again from him. 

"Chicken wish bones out the window no matter what it looks like we've gotten 

we've got Gods favor through Jesus"

I just dont know why. But I felt so disturbed by it. I feel like something is trying to tell me something. But I just dont get it. Im confused. I understand nothing. At all. So on my way back from school today, I took a detour from my usual path home. I used the Lakeshore path instead. 

It was almost maghrib. So the lake, the scenery was a total bliss. 

Of God's love

 Can you see God's love through this pic?? It was one of the nicest thing, nicest art that He gives us on this destructive earth. Look at how He created the world. Out of perfection. But we, human, tend to destroy it. Then terfikir pulak pasal peralihan siang dan malam. Cant you see how beautiful is that?? Subhanallah. 

His righteous path

Just an analogy. Imagine that this is His. 

اهدِنَــــا الصِّرَاطَ المُستَقِيمَ

 It is not that straight like literally straight either. But along the path, untuk kembali ke Dia, it is not that hard, but it is not that easy either. I would say that it is tricky. I dont know how to explain it. But yeahh. Berliku-liku. Itu sudah pasti. But the end journey of it would be blissful. 

Wandering heart

This somehow portrays my heart the best. It has been wandering here and there. It is a lil bit confused now. Idk. But I know I can see the light from far below. It is just that Im currently stuck here, in between teh trees, in between the bushes. It is quite a long road, tricky. I wonder what would happen to me if Im lost in the middle of the journey. My heart is literally wandering right now. Im confused, bewildered.

Curious mind

This also could be used to represent me. Yess as the caption says. Im curious about everything. Every single freaking thing. And I am freaked out. 

UWAAA~ 

Barren soul

Yuppy. Again. The caption says it all. All of them do. This is what I feel now. Empty inside out. I feel like nothing. 

EXPOSED

Every single branch in my heart is. I dont know how to explain it. You figure it out. But yeahh. 

The journey made me ponder upon every thing. I am even more confused now.

O God, letakkanlah aku di bawah naungan kasihMu, rahmatMu. 

Protect me. Amin.

Broken

The sun rises everyday, as my hopes.

Confused, shocked, bewildered.

One path.

Shone but veiled thus dispersed.

Love, in seekers, it lays.

The conquerors, the answers.

Impossibilities

So close, yet so far. 

Snatching away, burning eyes.

Calm, peace, deep blue.

Dreams, as the moon and the sun.

Valentine, Oh Valentine.

It was Valentine's Day again people !! Woohoo !! I never celebrate it tho. But this year, not to say that I celebrated it. It's just that I got a gift !! Not one, not two, but a few. I guess. So, I could say that I celebrated it somehow. :)

So, I had a hectic Thursday. As usual. Then, in the hallway after my calculus class, I met Youhi. Anddd... Guess what?? She gave me a brownie !! :9 

OMG. I love these people. They love to give me food. Food and food everywhere.

Dont worry. I gobbled it down straight away. :D

Fatty me. :3

But it is not the best part. Yet. So, as usual, that night, I went to the IV. Then, suddenly...

Poof...

Chelsea gave me a bible. Like a real live bible. Comel pula. I like it. :') 

Aku ada ni. Aku ada ni. Kau hado?? Sila jeles please. :P

The shocking part is that, I tweeted "Holy Bible. #bucketlist" few days before that. And I have non of them here as my friend on twitter except Syahir. But he is in the other circle of friends. Thus, making it impossible for any of them to know what I twitted or anything. But it was like a miracle or something. Kaboom !! I was on the verge of crying. Me being me. I jumped around telling other people that I got a Bible. Weehuu !! Yay me. Yay Chelsea. :*

Out of love, you remember me. 

Out of love, you give me this.

Out of love, Jesus' love.

Out of love too, I'll cherish it till the end of my life. 

Tragedy

Last Saturday, on Feb 16, there was a Chinese New Year celebration by Malaysian Student Association (MSA) and I was the emcee. Woohoo~ wisel sikit. wisel sikit. :3 Pffftt. Hahaha
Okayy then. It was one of the awesomest ever sbb I think I did a great job. *ecewahh* Then I had great food. 2 pinggan bro. Weehuu !!

Me and Anna

Me, Anna, Joshua, Kylie

Merahnya Mak Ngah~ Bhahaha. I know. Even Garrett said that I looked "fiery" that night. Wait. What?? :O

But there was a sad part to it. At the same time as the CNY celebration, there was another event called The Celebration by IV. Right after the CNY celebration, I went to the IV's. But it was over. I was totally sad. How I wish I could be a part of the other event too. I missed all of them giving their testimonials. :'(

Ohh. On my way to The Celebration, I carried my bike up few flight of stairs. There was once, the handle of the bike twisted, and it hit my face. On my cheekbone. It hurt pretty bad. I ended having a bruise under my eyes for few days. It was as if somebody just punched me in the eyes. But it was not that bad either coz you cant really tell.

Okayy. Right after the celebration thing, we went to Evan's Scholar House for games and such. I played pingpong. Weehuu~ With Joshua. :D It was super hilarious. Then, on our way home, I didnt know where or how or what went wrong. But I lost my phone. :'(

It was sad actually. But I remained calm coz I know that I was sooooo tired that night. Then when I was about to go to sleep, the sadness came rushing. I tweeted, "I just want chocolate, ice cream, curl up and die." Then I went to sleep. Obviously. -..-

The day after tomorrow, Jess told me that someone texted her saying that my phone was at Wing Jack Bar. Oh noo~ A bar?? Hahaha So I just went to the bar for my phone the next day. Then after that, I had a meeting with the MSA for the interns. Then, out of the blue, this one lovely girl gave me a box of chocolate. A BOX OF CHOCOLATE beb !! Woahh !! Itu sudah lebih. I was like... tacing tahap petala kelapan. :')

This is what I called "Love. Love. Love."

I thought that I want to save this forever. But, that would not happen in a few thousand years. So, on Monday I was fasting. Then I just decided to buka with that. I dont really know about this. But org kata kalau kita bg org food bila dia puasa, org tu akan dapat sebahagian pahala puasa tu jugak kan?? So, may God bless you my dear friend. Moga you got some of your saham without you knowing it. Thanks for your kindness though. :')

Tadaa~ the missing one. :3

Wastage??

I think the word "wastage" itself is weird. :O

Last night, this guy really surprised me.

Please ignore this pic of his. Stolen from his fb. Hahaha

We had dinner together, right before our small group discussions. But this week, I joined Billy's instead of his. So thats that. The thing that I want to talk about is how he did something that I want to do ever since I came here. 

Hmmm. 

What did he do last night?? :O :O :O

He waited at the tray place, I dont know how to explain it but basically that is the place where students put their tray after they are done eating. I am talking about the residence halls' cafeteria (ala2 dorm gitu). So, he waited there for people who didnt finish eating their food but want to throw it away and ask for it. It is not that he is a cheapskate or anything. NO HE IS NOT. That is what I am sure of. Siap aa korg kalau korg say bad things about him. He is my friend. My DEAR FRIEND !! He has this thing in his heart. I dont know how to say it but I can feel it. You will know if you meet him in person. You will definitely know what I am babbling about. Okayy. Enough of him. 

Minus the fact that I cant eat everything here due to the food restrictions and all that (you know what I mean), I would definitely do what he did last night. Coz there were few times that I want to do the same but it is either I didnt have the guts to do it or the food fell under a no-no category. Coz some of the food looked untouched wehh. Sapa x hangin kalau nampak kau buang food like the whole plate of em. -..- He even asked to share his food but yeahh, there was chickens in it. :'( 

So that is the background info. The thing that I want to talk about is about throwing away food. I dont know why but I just cant accept it. Maybe because I love eating so much?? Maybe. Sayang perut beb. Hahaha But sayang kot kalau kau g buang all those food that you can actually eat or somebody else to eat it. Yeahh. One of the excuse would be "Aku dah kenyang aa." "Food ni banyak sangat." "Aku dah abes makan aa ni." 

Kepala hotak kau. -..-

Kadang2 same thing happen with sayur dan kawan2. Kesian tau kesian?? 

There are lots of different ways that we can do to prevent such things from happening. Lu pepandai laa fikir sendiri. Banyak bro banyak. 

Tau tak berapa ramai org kebuluran kat luar sana yg kau suka suki je nak bebuang makanan??

Tau tak berapa ramai org kat luar sana yg makanan dorg kena catu??

Tau tak berapa ramai org kat luar sana yg makan untuk hidup, cukup2 je, dan bukan buat mandi mcm kita ni??

Tau tak berapa ramai org kat luar sana yg nak beli makanan pun kena fikir dua kali??

Tau tak?? Tau tak??

Kalau kau tanya aku, aku pun ckp xtau.

"Ek eleh. kecoh laa lu minah. Sendiri pun xtau. Gebang je."

-..-

I admit the fact that I dont know about them in exact figures. But I do concern bout them. But I do aware that even the slightest thing I do would affect them. Butterfly effect beb.

Malas aa cakap. Pepandai aa korg.

"Normal" Days

HECTIC

As always...

I would have things/classes/discussion/work/all the things that you could ever imagined from as early as 7.45am till 9.00pm for Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. Where as for the other day such as Tuesdays, Saturdays and Sundays, they would also start as early as 8am but only till about 4pm. Maybe. MAYBE. But usually I would have something else that doesnt fit into the other days, being pushed to those "shorter" days, thus making those short days longer. If you know what I mean. -_- So, thats basically it. Sorry guys. :* 

Hebrew 1 : 1-4

Haa kawan-kawan. Hari ini kita kembali lagi dalam rancangan... (bedushh) *tumbuk diri sendiri*

Okayy. So tonight I went to Blackhawk Church. Ohh yeahh. Now aku g church pulak. Apa?? Aku dah tukar agama ke hape?? Dah buang tebiat nak mampus g church bagai?? So what?? Kisah laa pulak aku orang nak kata apa pun. Lantak laa ngn depa tu.

I dont know why. But now I have been looking for Islam in a different direction. Not to say that I want to get out of Islam or anything. It is just that aku lebih senang nampak kelebihan Islam dan kekurangan diri aku ni bila aku dekat dengan Kristian. Again. I want to emphasize it is not how you see it. It is soo had to describe. Haiyaa. Whatever that is. Now we'll talk about Hebrew 1:1-4. 

In general, it is a very complicated but totally interesting verse of all (so far laa). 

1 In the past God spoke to our ancestors through the prophets at many times and in various ways 2 but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom also he made the whole universe. 3 The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification of all sins, he sat down at the right hand of his Majesty in heaven. 4 So he became as much superior to the angels as the name he has inherited is superior to theirs. 

Well, in short, the pastor gave me all the evidences that he could, from all the other verses, from the science point of view itself, in which I could say that I am impressed with his work. However, I am still me. Still critical with everything that I have in front of me. There is something in the explanations, in their believe that make me even more to not believe them. You could ask me personally if you want to coz I wont mention it here. 

Apart from that, in the culture point of view, aku sangat laa tertarik dengan cara mereka bawak agama mereka dalam kehidupan seharian, in which I really wish that I could do the same too. :'(

Another thing is that, mereka terapkan this kind of culture ever since the kids are small. Program2 kat church dorg pun bagus wa cakap lu. Teringat masjid di kampung halaman, hampehh. Bukan nak kutuk masjid tu, tapi masyarakat setempat dan budaya yang kita ada. Kalau laa nak buat benda yang sama kat negara tanah air tercinta, I wonder how long it would take. Might be forever.

And again, maybe aku dah mention benda ni banyak kali. Tapi bila mereka sebut puji-pujian to their Jesus, nampak khusyuk beb, nampak ikhlas sungguh. Kita hado?? Mau selawat golek2, gelak2, guling2, cuit kanan kiri. 

But actually, despite all these things, I still have a lot of questions that I want to ask them. But somehow I feel inappropriate to ask them coz these questions that I have in mind sangat laa provocative?? racist?? offensive?? I dont know the right words to use to describe it. :/ Whatever that is. 

And there is also something that I learn tonight about Jesus and their rituals which maybe I will share it with you guys in the next post. Keywords : The Last Supper.

Mata mengantuk sudah. Katil panggil sudah. Kerja sekolah tidak siap pula. Lantak laa. Yang penting, esok discussion calculus 3 pada 7.45pg aku datang. That is even more precious than the homework itself. Ehh tak. Both are important but by going to the discussion, I'll get something even more than squeezing my brain for something that is hard for it to interpret. :D

Offering Prayer

Kepala masih lagi diburu resah dan gelisah. Tidak mampu menangkis serangan akal yang tidak putus2 memanjangkan perhubungan. Terpenjara walau badan lepas bebas berlari ke sini sana. 

Another thing that has been bothering my mind - still a lot actually. Haihh. Here we go then. I kinda like how mereka bawak agama mereka dalam kehidupan seharian. So pure, so sincere. They offer random people on the streets for their prayers. 

Case 1 : Sambil menjual brownies untuk disumbangkan kepada persatuan manusia gelandangan.

A customer drop by. She has a cold and looks a lil bit sick. Then this sweet friend of mine ask her, "You want me to pray with you? We can pray together so that God gives you a better health etc." And then mereka pun berdoa di suatu sudut sambil aku menanti pelanggan yang lain. 

Case 2 : Mengalu-alukan kedatangan penceramah jemputan di meja penyambut tetamu.

Penceramah tiba. Secara fizikal, nampak sihat cergas tanpa ada aral menjelma. Dengan penuh ikhlas, salah seorang antara mereka bertanya, "How is your week sir? Do you have any problems or difficulties that you face?" "No. Everything is fine." "Or anything that has been bothering you? We can pray together... (butir2 perbualan tidak dapat dikenal pasti kerana mereka semakin jauh kehadapan)." And then three of them make a small circle and pray together. Aku hanya mampu mengintai dari kejauhan. 

Case 3 : Ni laa yang paling tacing sekali. Watak utama : Aku laa. Siapa lagi?? -.-

Tiba di perkarangan kelas sedikit tercungap-cungap. Biasalah. Sudahlah lambat, gemuk pula. Mungkin di pagi hari aku tersedak air liur sendiri. Entah di mana silapnya, aku terbatuk-batuk sendiri. Then, the most tacing-estestest part is that he offered to pray with me. Perbualan telah dialih bahasa ke bahasa Jawa:

"Jom laa kita doa sama2. Do you need to pray like that (sambil angkat takbir coz he once saw me performed my prayer)?" "Nope. Kita boleh je doa sambil tadah tangan." "Okayy then. If it is okayy with you, let us now start our prayer. You can pray to your God, I'll pray to mine. But we pray together so that you get better soon enough." Tacing beb wa cakap lu.  Sumpah tak tipu. Mau meleleh wa kat situ. Rasa macam nak pause je masa biar kitorg dua kekal kat situ je. 

And kalau part prayer during event tu semua, aku malas cakap laa. Sebab quite similar with ours. Tapi the main point yang aku nak cakap sebenarnya, nampak tak betapa kasihnya mereka, betapa sayangnya mereka dengan orang sekeliling mereka? Nampak tak macam mana dorg bawak agama dorg tu, which they believe is filled with love, and spread the love, kemanisan beragama itu kepada orang2 disekeliling mereka? Padahal dorg xkenal langsung pun beb. Makcik yg beli brownies, kalau kat Malaysia, kita ada ke nak tegur siap offer nak doakan untuk dia?? Ada?? Ada??

Kadang2 aku terfikir jugak, alangkah manisnya kalau aku mampu sebarkan seperti mana mereka sebarkan kasih buat yang memerlukan. Aku ingin menjadi seperti itu. Aku ingin pupuk masyarakat sebegitu. Aku ingin kita bawa apa yang kita ada ni, Islam kita, persaudaraan kita, ke peringkat yang seterusnya, lebih baik lagi daripada apa yang mereka paparkan. 

Tapi apakan daya, impian hanya tinggal angan-angan. Kisah terkemudian terlalu sedih buat tatapan. Sayang seribu kali sayang. Mungkin kita terlalu lama duduk dalam kepompong keselesaan, adat dan agama menjadi suatu yang tak mampu dipisahkan. Akhirnya, agama menjadi mangsa keadaan. A lil bit confusing but that is the ugly reality that we live in. 

A Story Behind It...

Well. It is just a continuation from yesterday's story. Okayy. I joined IV's events. I really had fun. The sense of belonging by being with them is soooooo strong. It is just that I feel so loved. They love me. I love them so much. I dont know why but I dont feel the same way whenever I am around "my kind". 

So basically, during that day, they invited a man to give a talk, and yes, the topic was about the Timothy verse, then they sing 3 songs for their beloved Jesus which are All To Us, Cornerstone and another one song which completely slipped out of my mind at the moment. 

Bukan nak cakap apa laa, but rentak lagu tu mmg sedap wa cakap lu. Tak caya, dengar laa sendiri. Masa dorg nyanyi tu, aku goyang kanan kiri gak laa ikut rentak dia. Tapi aku xnyanyi sekali, afraid that those things would make me admit their fact about their loved ones. 

But the most touching part is that when I looked at their faces while singing, something struck me from the inside. I was like literally jaw-dropped. Sangatlahh khusyuk mereka menyanyi. Nampak ikhlas sangat muka, I totally can feel that they really sang those songs from the bottom-estestest of their hearts.

Then, tiba-tiba hati terasa sayu dan pilu. Sangat sedih. Sangat sayang akan mereka, even more than "my kind". Tapi bila tengok mereka sangat percaya dengan apa yang mereka ada, I feel really sad to not be able to be with them in the Afterlife. Coz I know that no matter how much I love them, we just wont be together at the end.

That was the first part. The second part is that when I looked at the song, the meanings behind them, they are something that you could easily understand, as you could feel it while you sing it. Then suddenly, I remembered everything that I have back in Malaysia, what we have in Islam itself, about our culture, how we culturize (not sure if this word even exist) Islam, etc. Depa dok nyanyi, depa faham, depa hayati. Then I looked at myself. I dont even know Arabic to begin with. And then, tho we have all those supplications for Allah, our prophet Muhammad, I dont really know the meaning behind it, something that can make I feel it deep inside my heart. I was dumbstruck. Sad overwhelming. 

Reflect lagi diri sendiri. Time azan pun main2. Ada kita nak dok hayati and hormat ?? Time nasyid pun kita main2. Ada kita nak hayati maksud disebalik nasyid tu sendiri ?? Al-Quran xyah cakap laa. Pandai2 sendiri laa fikir. Dah besar kann.  

Sad on how I used to take things for granted. Sad on how I used to ignore all the little things that actually part of the BIG things. 

There is still lots of things that I want to talk about here. But it will just make the post long and boring. So, most prolly there will be a part 2. Maybe. Remind me if I forget. InsyaAllah.

2 Timothy 4

1 In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge:

2 Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage - with great patience and careful instruction.

3 For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.

4 They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths.

5 But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry.

Ouh wait. What is this?? Something from the Bible??

Ouh yeahh. From the holy Bible itself. New Testament - 2 Timothy 4, as per the title. So what ??

What if I say "Yes, I read the Bible now" ??

This actually happened yesterday. I went to an event held by the Inter Varsity Christianity Fellowship, or in short, we call it as "IV".

I dont know why. Not saying that we should support Bible or the other religion instead of Islam and our Holy Quran. It is just that I feel like there is something that we should look at and ponder upon the content further beyond what our squinty eyes could see.

Just try and read it without any biased in your heart. You will see something deeper than this actually. However, it is not something that I should say here as my interpretations and point of views might be a little different or even totally different than the others. And I dont want my POV will somehow affect your ability in seeing things yourself.

Thus, enough said.

Actually, since yesterday, my mind was flooded with things that I have never imagined before. I feel like pouring them up here but there will not be enough space for all of them. Believe me. I tried. If and only if you wanna believe me.

Burnt Lunch

I just burnt my lunch. Yeahh my lunch. Rasa sedih sangat. :/ 

No lunch for me. :/ Dont feel like cooking some more. Roti pun xd. :/

Feel like crying. In desperate need of a hug.

Then... (jeng jeng jeng)

Memang sangat memerlukan seketul pelukan. Buat meredakan gelojak perasaan (cewahh) selepas lunch sendiri terbakar. Memandang kanan dan kiri, aku tau xkan ada pelukan yang bakal tiba. Mungkin kerana tiada mereka (Malaysians) di sini buat peneman jiwa. 

Then again... 

Even if I have Ain (Fall depan baru duduk sama), I still cant have the hugs that I want. Sekadar lunch yg terbakar, apa barang sgt laa kau nak mintak hug2 bagai ni kann?? Sedih broo sedih. Hati aku macam puding tau?? :O 

Then summore...

Aku ni besar, montel, empuk. Dr dulu aku je yg bg hugs kat org, protect org, make org feel better, in which I feel good doing em, I feel happy. I dont mind. But when I need one...

Sometimes...

I ask stupid questions to myself. Kdg2 I feel afraid of those questions too. Mcm mempersoal takdir pun ada. Why this?? Why that??

WHY?? WHY?? WHY??

Then...

NO !! I need to learn on how to comfort myself, to not being absorbed in those sad feelings, to see positively in every that happens in my live, to see things in another point of view.

CAKAP SENANG LAA BRO...

I wish...

To have a husband right beside me. (gatal -_-" ish ish ish...) Whom i can run to when I feel sad or anything, when I want a hug to comfort me or just wrap his hands around me whenever I feel like it. (Ni pasti gara2 overdose anime and Korean movies - Coffee Prince the latest. ehemm...)

But then...

I know it would be far away. Since I still have quite something in my hands to be taken care of. Plus, getting married is NOT in my future plans due to certain circumstances, in other words, I dont want to get married at all. But having babies is quite something thus making adoption quite an interesting plan for me. :D

Sorry for rambling around nonsense, crappy stuffs. Thanks for reading it till the end. 

:*