Adulthood 😏

Last week I went to Buffalo. And yes, for those who read my previous post would know that. Hahaha And I was thinking about posting this thing back then. But I realized that this blog was unattended for quite a while which made me write at least a wall or a line as a courtesy to you guys to separate stories of my life. 

Anyways...

During my flight to Buffalo, there were some slight turbulences, really minor, no worries. And there was this one stewardess named Theresa. She was serving drinks during the turbulence. At first she stopped serving for awhile, steadied herself and then kept serving. All these while the turbulence thing was happening. I was like, WOW!! Awesome stuffs. 

And when it was my turn to be served, I told her, "you are so awesome!! To be able to keep calm and serve us with all the turbulence." She smiled and said that they had been experiencing turbulence all morning so she kinda expected that to happen and were used to that. I was like, okayy. Then after that, she was really kind to me, asking me if I need anything else, yadda yadda. I was not sure whether she was kind to me because I made small talk with her, or she is kind in general.

Out of nowhere, I was like 😱. She treated me like I was an adult. That moment I realized, I am an adult now!! I am 23. And with how i dress (formal attire at that moment), she definitely saw me like an adult. Then it occurred to me that I can never excused myself for not doing things that I am supposed to do, to escape from my responsibilities anymore. For nobody, and nobody will ever see me like a kid anymore though I still feel like one. 

So during that one and half hour of journey, I told myself to grow up internally, to change my perceptions of myself to be more of an adult. Im still struggling, to see myself as one but I am getting there. I was a really responsible kid before (maybe, maybe not 😝), and something changed in me that made me feel like rebelling and not caring a single shit in this world. All these during the Dark Age of my life. But I guess with this, I now have to slowly ease my way out of this shit hole. With no string attached.

I guess this is just my way of saying, adulthood is real and it is getting nearer, people!! There's no more fooling around in shitsies anymore. The time for me has come. Yours maybe not. But eventually, it will. 😎     

Just look at how clean the earth is from above...

Just something to ponder upon...
Talking about God's creation, just imagine this earth is like this white canvas, and you are the creator of everything. Just like The Sims. Isn't it magnificent on how God made the earth to have some kind of a system, with different continents have different functions to the earth's system in general. The mountains, trenches, seas, soils, knowledge, etc. The land itself is unexplorable by a single human being, let alone the seas where the deepest of the deepest is still not known. And and how out of those earth's riches come multiple colorful cultures and people and traditions and beliefs.
So, you as the creator, would you be able to come up with these kind of awesome ideas of these symbiotic relationships, that intertwine with each other that made life possible and unimaginable on earth??

I often think of things like these that made me

dislike humans very much. 😌 

Humans are disgusting.

New Chapter

It's been 2 years since I last posted here. So many things happened between now and then which might require me to create another blog just for that time period. 

Anyways, I am currently sitting somewhere, watching people finishing their maybe-not-so-typical Friday since it is gonna be the second last Friday that they will ever have here in SUNY University at Buffalo. And why am I here, you asked?? Just for fun, visiting a friend before graduation hits. And yeah. I ditched my Friday too, with all the possible group projects needed to be finished by Monday. And another reason why I am so free despite me being here in Buffalo. I got ditched by the very same person I am visiting as she needed to finish her group project. The irony. Hahaha But worry not. She'll be here in another half hour. Or maybe by the time I finish this piece. 

Ahhh. This carefree feeling. When will you ever get this again after your school/college life ends? Prolly not ever. 

The good news is, I'm back people!! Ready to entertain you with bits and pieces from my life. Hahaha Stronger than ever, without a care in this whole wide world. Judge away people, judge away. I would not give a FUCK about what you think, or feel, or say about me. Just try and throw me into the deepest trench again, maybe even deeper than the Mariana, and I will float my way up to the surface. 

WATCH ME!!

Damaged Goods

I thought I am okay with everything that happened. But nope. That's not the case. I really hope so. I feel betrayed, feel crushed. Goddamnit you fucking humans. Don't you really have anything else to do besides fanning other people's shit??

If that is not enough, you'll create one and splatter it across the vast ocean till every corner of the earth is covered with it.

I don't think I would be able to keep everybody by my side anymore. I just couldn't help it. Sorry guys. I would not include you guys anymore in my life. It is just too messed up. Sometimes I feel like blaming other people for the choices I made. Especially when things turned out to be the exact opposite of what I hoped for. But I know that I had a choice. But sometimes things do influenced by others. Humans. Pffftt.

I just hope that someday when we meet again, you would accept me the way I am. But worst come to worst, you guys would judge me again and the same thing would happen all over again.

I just realized that all these while, I have been living my life as if how others want me to live. I have never really know what I want, what I like, what I don't like, what I want to be, what I am hoping for. None.

These expectations, from these people, from these so-called moral guides, from these community, from these 3rd world minds, they are killing me right now.

I really feel that I haven't been able to breath. Really suffocated by these people around me. They said I am in the wrong party. Just because they belong to a totally different community. But that doesn't mean that everything has changed or I have lost myself.

To be honest, I haven't really found myself. I never have found myself at all. It is wrong to judge, discriminate, stereotype, you name it. Those group of people that they have judged, at least they made me laugh, they made me feel belonged, they made me feel loved, they made me feel like I am living my life, they made me appreciate myself, they made me not afraid of being me, and the most important is they made me ME!!

Who are you to come to my life and change it however you like?? HOW DARE YOU STEP A FOOT IN MY FUCKING LIFE AND DESTROY IT?? It is your right to judge whatever you feel like judging. Fuck like I care. BUT HOW COULD YOU SHOVE DOWN YOUR OPINION DOWN OTHER'S THROAT??

No matter how hard I tried to ignore it, I couldn't help it. I wasn't raised with love. I wasn't introduced to forgiveness. I wasn't familiar with... DAMN IT!!

Just go away. GO AWAY !! I am not done yet.

Dead

Auni is dead.

DEAD !!

Well, last time i killed myself, somebody resurrected me back to life, taught me what is love, taught me what is trust, taught me what is believing. 16 years of works finally able to sow a seed of life into my heart.

But then, this seed doesnt have the chance to live. It is like, the whole world is against it. Then, those people came and stepped on it. They didnt just step on it, but also sprayed poison to not let me grow.

So, in short, Auni is dead again.

Killed by those people.

Disappointed.

Welcome new readers, welcome to you all. :)

These past few days have been very interesting to me.

So many things that have happened. Both good and bad. Curious, aint you??

Hahaha

Well, one, I would say, I reconciled with my past. I am now learning to embrace what had happened to me, what had hurt me. I am now starting to learn how to love, trust, belief.

I am just like those baby seedlings that you plant in the soil. Learning to feel the soil, the water, the sun.

I am learning how to appreciate myself, how much value that I worth. Not just some kind of sampah masyarakat anymore. I am learning how to love God too, though He's been loving me for so long that sometimes I didnt even remember Him.

I have never been happier. These past few days was a blessing to me. I totally appreciate it.

However, just like Madison's weather, thunderstorm came along out of nowhere. Yepp. That's Madison. All my happy fantasy that I am now released from the shackles of the past, was now grind to dust.

I never knew such bad stories had been spreading around about me. Well, some part might be true, some not. Or the whole part was the truth, or none at all. We never know. You never know. How do you know it is the truth?? The ultimate truth?? 

"Nayy. Doesnt matter as long as it is controversial."

"Nayy. Doesnt matter as long as somebody tells the story, it happened anyways."

I am really disappointed. Totally disappointed.

Nobody came to me for the ultimate truths. Yet they believe those stories of stories of stories... And God knows how many "on stories" are there in the thread.

It is like "ABC". If I knew "N", I must definitely knew "A" till "M". I must definitely knew them. I must definitely do it. Is it always like that though?? Your call.

I wont say anything. It is all up to you. Whatever I said doesnt matter anyways. As long as you believe it that way.

Separuh penuh atau separuh kosong??

The same analogy applied to this one. Doesnt matter what I think, or what others think. It is just depends on how you see it anyways. And your reasoning behind that, and your justifications to make believe with yourself. But never really to the source of the story itself. 

It is always, always, ALWAYS like that anyways. So why bother??

To those who stayed, during my ups, but mostly downs, I love you guys. Only God knows how to repay you all, in building a human being to this world. Only you guys that hold me, though with a teeny, tiny, hair-like thread, able to keep me sane, that I put my hopes to. Thanks for the shoulders to cry on. Really really appreciate it especially now. :)

UPLIFTING Spring Break !!

My spring semester had been dull so far. And it might stay the same if it wasn't for Spring Break.

I would say it was the awesomest break ever. And God gave me that when I totally need it.

UPLIFTING aye?? 

Why all capital though?? Coz it is totally uplifting. Duhh.

I have never been at the bottomest of my life. So far, this is it, I would say.

I felt like crap. The worst of the scum. The ugliest, baddest scum ever lived on this planet Earth.

And I already planned for a trip to Iowa for TJM. However, I now what I needed and what is more important and worth going. So I went to City Lights instead. Plus, I am a go-with-the-flow-type of person. So a change in plan doesn't really mean anything.

Here we go...

The highlights of the week :

Gerry Chappeau - a fatherly figure

 This guy right here. Helped me in a lot of ways especially his talk about mirror, the broken healer.

His words lifted me up to a level where I have never been before.

This is me.

Yepp. I am a broken mirror. One of the small pieces. What would you do to these pieces of mirrors anyways?? Throw 'em out right?? Well, that's what I thought of myself for these past years I have been living. I thought I have no value at all. I am worthless. Not even a single penny.

With that, I often threw myself around, thinking that the world is no place to live in. I kept thinking of suicide every single day. But I know that suicide would solve nothing so I didn't do it. Yet.

But, God came and saved me. Through these people, He sent His loves saying that I am priceless. I am a beautiful princess. His beautiful princess. :')

Yepp I am broken !! So what ?! I finally able to admit that. Fuhh. The one thing that I have been running away from every second of my life. You have no idea how refreshing it is to have that burden lifted from your shoulder. And though I am a piece of broken mirror, I still AM a mirror, I am still able to reflect lights, His lights, into other people's life.

Becoming a wounded healer. Yepp. That's my next vanishing point (the one place where all the parallel lines meet) would be, praise the Lord to help me.

Megan Dorn - my new partner in crime

Coming up next is my new partner in crime. Don't take it literally though. That'll be crazeyy.

Well, let me put it this way. I have been hurt. And I have always kept myself in a teeny tiny box (if that ever fits) and shut everyone out. It was not a good thing, I know, I know. Just shut up, will ya??

God sent her to me, to hold my hands, get me back on my feet, then start making me jump all around. No words could ever describe how much I appreciate her presence in my life. Thank you would not do any justice.

But slowly, little by little, with the help of these wonderful people around me, showering me with loves, hugs and kisses, reflecting lights unto my darkened life, I sprouted into a cutey seedling. Heyy. Let me praise myself here. I am a cutie pie!! I am His beautiful princess, remember?? :)

This seedling of mine, though cute, it is still very fragile. 

Handle with care.

Ps: I do have a video on the talk about the broken mirror
and wounded healer by Gerry Chappeau.

Just gimme your email and I'll share
it with you.

Long Overdue

I am hurting.

Was. Is. I have no idea.

But sometimes I'm wondering, why is it when I am hurting, it is me all alone. And when I died already, lots of people tried to revive me. I am dead. DEAD. There's no point of reviving me.

Just give up, will you??

Emotional struggle is a lot more tiring. I knew that. Especially when the other opponent is yourself. I once participated in chess competition that required me to play 5 rounds. After the 3rd round, I  kissed the ground.

Mind vs. Heart

Who knows which will win.

Tired.

Love

"To love at all is to be vulnerable." - C.S Lewis

Yeahh yeahh. I know. Total BS. What is love anyway??

Being in the midst of everything. Trying so hard to just be able to put a band-aid over your torn-apart heart. To hope real hard then get crushed on. To trust someone just to be back-stabbed. To hell with everything.

Being love deprived is another thing. That's why humans live in a community ehh?? So that they wont die inside out. Well, even within the community, people still die anyways. Typical humans. Killing each other from the inside. That's what they do best.

Humans. Cehh. What is human anyways??

Altruism vs egoism. I would say egoism won over everything. Humans show it. They show it all. What a broken world this Earth is.

Sometimes when I look into the mirror, I just cant recognize who's standing in front of me. 

Who am I?? What I am?? What do I like or dont like??

Everything's so black. Not grey but totally black. Total blackhole. 

Having a vivid imagination might be a good thing. Some people said. However, having it ever since you know how to think straight, not right but straight, is such a suffering.

This anger. This anger of mine, it is no longer containable. I totally need a vessel to rely on, to be by my side every single time, to take care of me. Im just so sick of myself that sometimes I only see one thing. Hahaha

I'm tired of thinking everything rationally. What's the use of it??

Who's that?? Me?? Who's me?? :O

The question of the day for every single day. 

Trying to fulfill everybody's expectation though it is against your own dreams. For what?? This broken world?? Cehh. People expect you to be nice and good, hypocrite there you are. People want you to be a doctor, fame and name there you go. But what about what I want?? Who the hell care about what I want anymore. 

Even I dont care about what I want anymore. How could I when I dont know what I want anymore. I just cant think of something that I really wanna go for. None, zilch, nil.

Dont be ridiculous. I don't wanna die yet. Yet. 

Fall 2013 in a Nutshell

Autumn Overnight. Awesome one night out with the IVs. stayed up all night talking. Miahahaha. 

Cross Training. What ??!! As per its name, Cross Training, yuppy. :) I would say that was the highlight of the semester. At CT, I learned lots of wonderful things. I wish I stand up that night. Idk. Too afraid maybe. But Im just confused. Idk. Dont talk to me. Also, awesome possum healing prayer with Paul and Johnny which drained my energy for the whole day and broke the dam - all three of us. Ohh wait. Maybe only two. :O Still, awesome possum. :D

Then comes Thanksgiving. Went to Johnny's with Tomo, Cheikh and Hamdi. It was awesome !! Met Jacquelyn on Black Friday night !! Laughing at people as they swarmed through the mall and all. :P 

Lost my phone at Johnny's Grandma's but got it back on Monday. I kinda like the weekend w/o my phone. I felt like I was freed from sth - the technology. 

Next comes the secret ice cream project. Awesome Possum. Miahahaha 

Volunteering at West High School for Light Program under Nehemiah. Ni semua kerja Johnny. Miahahaha. Whatevs. Awesome possum. 

And also volunteering for the school for Isaiah. I would say it was adventurous at first coz he was my first lab rat ever for tutoring. But now I would say we are getting along pretty well. Though still a bit awkward at times. :) Really hope that I could stay tutoring him but my schedule for next sem doesnt allow me to do so. :(

Then last but not least, the semester is wrapped up with a trip to Seattle !! Miahahaha

Wait for me loves !!

Hilang

Pabila kumencari. Letih kuberpusing ke sana ke mari. Namun tiada kutemui. 

Semakin aku melangkah, semakin jauh aku ditinggalkan. Mungkin, tiada kudrat untuk aku meneruskan. Lalu kuberhenti. Kaku.

Ingin kumenyeru. Kelu. Tiada kata mengalir jatuh. 

Ingin kugapai sambutan. Tiada huluran buatku. 

Mungkin, aku berpaling ke arah yang bertentangan. 

God.

Summer Training Camp

Here we go again. Hello uolls. (ni kenapa aku berjangkit si Nas ni?? -_-" ) Dah lama kita tak berjumpa kann?? :O

So, last weekend, June 14 - 17, weolls menapak ke Natchez Trace State Park, Tennessee. Weolls as in me, Ain, Nasrul and Faiz gemukk. :O

Long story short, camp tu best laa jugak. Not bad. Jumpa ramai org, main air, hiking, jaga budak2, etc. However, aku rasa ada sedikit terkilan. Aku xtau kenapa. Maybe I had higher expectations over STC itself. Oh yeahh !! And to make matter worse, I kinda compare it with WiRe. 

To those who dont  know, WiRe stands for Winter Retreat, a bible camp that i attended few months back.

Mungkin sbb STC tahun ni kurang seronok compared to STC tahun lepas (bak kata Nas) coz I wasnt even here to even attend last year's. 

Mungkin jugak sbb number of people yg attend this year's is lesser. Ummmph dia kurg sikit. Kononnya laa. 

Mungkin juga sbb aku xberapa nak kenal ngn org2 yg ada camp tu. Aku xrasa as if I am a part of them. Aku rasa mcm org asing. Sbb prior to WiRe, I already know all of them. So, I  feel belonged. But STC ni, hampehh. Even time aku jumpa kawan2 aku dr other uni pun, aku xrasa seseronok dulu. Coz maybe time and distance kinda change us to be a lil bit different than what we used to be. Walau nampak pada mata kasarnya kami mesra kelaut. :O 

Macam ni. :O

Tapi hati ini tetap berasa jauh. :O And I dont like that. 

Idk. I dont want them to know me as deep as my other circle of friends knew me. But at the same time, I want to be treated the same. Unfair, isnt it?? I dont want to allow them to cross the boundaries yet I want them to be able to see what's on the other side. Cruel me. 

But it is too scary.

Hey hey hey. 

Lari topik dah ni. Back to STC then. So, that's basically it. 

Toodles~

So Much To Tell...

Well. So many things happened in the past few weeks. But i just dont feel like writing anything. my typical emotional fluctuations. 

suicide, happy, angry, sad, suicide again, hopeless... 

Nayy. Dont worry. Thats normal. I discover a new talent that I think I dont have at all. 

Drawing !! Weee~

Only I could understand what I drew tho. :P

While writing this, I actually have a 5-page paper that I have to write and send in another 4 hours, without even knowing what I am going to write about. So, yeahh~

Okayy buhbye. :)

Deceitfulness Of Sins = Calluses

This is what I learnt from church two weeks ago. 

Hebrew 3. 

As usual, I wont talk about what Hebrew 3 is, bla bla bla. This time, Father Christ talked about the path of life, how it is not as straight as we believe it to be. He started his Sunday talk with a story of a gymnast. 

The gymnast will bring a razor to every practice and cut the calluses of his hands. It is to ensure that he will have a smoother hands for gripping the poles and stuffs.

Before the gymnast get this kind of calluses, he will grip on the poles till he bleeds his hands. After a while, the calluses will develop.

Father Christ somehow put calluses and deceitfulness of sins together. But... how does that work??

Okayy. Just imagine that our hearts and the gymnast hands are the same. At first, when we do a sin, our heart will say "NOOOOOO!!" and it will be painful to do that sin. However, if you do the sin continuously, just like the gymnast who practice non-stop, calluses will come to his hands and your heart. If the calluses on his hands are for protection against the friction of the metal rod, your calluses will protect you against your guilt of doing sins. That somewhat means that you wont be afraid of doing sins anymore, you wont feel guilty of doing sins anymore, you will feel that doing a small sin is okayy. Then as times passed, you will feel that it is okayy to do sins, even the bigger ones as you would feel normal doing it, your heart wont feel that doing it is a guilty thing to do. Hati mati. Yeahh. 

In other words, perseverance is a good thing, if and only if when you do good things, thus a good habit will develop. But perseverance is also a bad thing, when you do bad things, of course. -_- Just like the calluses that will surround your heart. 

Hebrew 3:13 - But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called "Today", so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.

So, here, friends are very important in one's life, as a matter of fact, more important than family, if you live far far away from them. In fact, is still important tho you live with your family, as 3/4 of your time is used for your friends - chatting, gossiping, fb-ing, twitter-ing, etc. 

Friends = encouragement

But... what kind of encouragement does these circle of friends of yours give you?? A bad one or a good one?? Same as the perseverance.

You choose. 

Jamey's

Slave of sins vs living in Jesus : Fuhh. Quite a big topic we have here. :O

There's more to it than it meets the eyes. There are a lot of things that pulled my heart even closer. How they see things, how they accept things. Idk. It is hard to describe. This is what i got from the camp.

Distance : Our distance to God doesnt determine the accuracy of our relationship to God. 

My interpretation is like this. Kita nampak seorang hamba Allah ni alim sgt. But can we say that he is close to God?? Cant we say so?? I dont know. Coz we can never see what is behind the things that we are seeing. Can we judge people on how we see them?? What about the things that we dont?? Is it fair then to that person?? So in other words, if that person may look bad to you, that doesnt mean that he is far from God or anything. He might be closer than we could ever imagine. It is us who dont see things with our naked eyes. 

God = Life : Whoever rejects God, he has no life, or in short, die.

Every single thing in this world has no one definite meaning. EVERY ONE OF THEM. We can say that there are 2 types of death - physically and spiritually. There are people nowadays who are moving around and control the world but they are actually zombies, nothing inside their hearts, kinda holey. And vice versa, there are also people who have actually died, but they are still alive in terms of spirituality for example Jesus for Christians and Muhammad SAW for the Muslims. 

Simple disobedience : Adam and Eve

Adam and Eve disobedience may looked simple, but it has caused such an uproar on Earth. Have we ever think about even the simplest disobedience that we have made?? A simple disobedience, you might say, but have you ever wonder about during that simple disobedience, our heart actually says 'NO' to God?? Have we ever think about that?? It is a simple disclaimer of God we could say. I have been the word 'simple disobedience' a lot like a lot. Have you ever think about that?? The simplest you could ever think about - socks, hand socks, ikhtilat, lying or 'white lies' (some called it that), etc. Simple but we actually deny the presence of God?? Simple but we actually despise the power of God?? Simple but isn't it just the same even with the big sins that we have done?? 

I might say all this stuffs while I am actually swimming in sins, but it is not a wrong thing to do to remind each other right?? Just like how Allah teach us through Surah al-Asr. Coz I know that I am just a mere human. I am not perfect. I am not like our beloved prophet to not live in sins. But yeahh, we have each other, so, use them. In a good way I mean. Together to Jannah kann?? :D

Broken chains of sins : Everybody who believes in Christ is sinless.

This is an interesting part of Christianity, I would say. In her talk, Jamey gave us a picture. We are cuffed like a real cuff, with metal of sins. The chains of sins are BROKEN by Christ when he came to save them. And he picked all the chains up and took them away with him. "The chains are not chaining, but Satan is trying to put it back on you." Wonder why I capitalize the word 'broken'?? Coz the cuffs are broken, so it cant bind you anymore. 

That analogy is so interesting. In another perspective, Satan's attempt in making us live in sins. Can you see how we actually are not bound to the sins that we had done, or continuously doing, or are doing, etc?? Even out of habit that we do the sins, we are not tied to it. Satan is trying his best to make us feel like it. It is just your feeling and... Satan. :) You are stronger than you actually think you are. Like the analogy itself, when we feel like the sins have chained us down, it is just a mere illusions by Satan. They want us to feel down, they want us to feel hopeless, they want us to lose hope in God. Close your eyes... and deny the strong illusions of the chains which in fact are already broken and loosely hang on to us. Use your imagination and kick them away. 

So, those are the knowledge that I managed to chain down with my humanly strength. Bak kata Saidina Ali bin Abi Talib, tie science by writing. I have done my best so far. Wtv. So, there you go. :)

Camping Day 1

Now here I am, at the Lake Waubesa Bible Camp. Hooyeahh. I go to a bible camp now. So what do you want to do?? Hit me with a stick?? Go ahead. :P

So far, it was good. During the ice breaking session, Billy created a clap thing that requires us to move forward then backwards when we touch the person next to you. Guess what?? The positions were mixed up due to smaller groups from before. I was quite worried at first as to my left, there was Ben (I think that is his name. I think. Or is it Sam??) Nvm then. The game was about to start. I was like Oh no-ing in my heart. Who could actually hear it huh?? I guess God does. :) Coz pooff !! Out of nowhere, Kristi came and were squiggling in between us. I saw her about few spaces from me before. I didnt even know that she would do that. I didnt even know that she ever know what I was thinking. So, that touchy feely kinda things creep up inside me. I feel like hugging her really tight, squeezing the air out of her lungs. That is how much I love her that moment.

Then it was the discussion session. We were required to answer and discuss few questions. Those were mind-blowing. POOF !! There you go again. Hahaha I have never ask myself those sort of questions before.   Somehow those questions made me wonder about my real relationship with God. Have I done enough to please Him?? Do I really live because of Him?? Or do I only focus on temporary earthly things only?? Mindblown. No joke. 

The worshiping part. The songs have that kind of touchy feely too. Xtipu bro. Out of nowhere, I felt angry, I clenched my fist in my pocket. Chelsea suddenly came and hug me. I cried. Hahaha Silly me. 

I feel stupid. Really stupid.

Crying is stupid.

"Oh, how He loves us,

Oh how He loves us, 

Oh how He loves us..."

(How He Loves - the name of the song if you feel like finding it)

May tomorrow be a better day for me.

This is suppose to be posted 2 nights ago. But due to some technical difficulties, I wrote it down and only now I posted it. :)

Creeping Sadness...

These past few days were like roller coaster. Sometimes I was up, sometimes down. I have never thought about this before. So last night, those creepy sadness came again. I didnt know what to do. I tried to keep few hugs with me but once again, I failed. 

Today was exactly the same. It was quite slow at first, happy for a while, the by 2pm, I was surrounded by those creepy feelings again. I wanted to go home and end the day, but I couldnt as I still have classes till 8. I know, I know. There's still about 6 hours to go at that time. 

Too sad to function, with no one around me that I could claim a hug from, I ended up eating to all my heart desired. 

Finished eating all those only after 15mins. 

Yeahh I know. Tu bukan makan sebab lapar. Tu makan sebab nafsu. Setan banyak kanan kiri tau?? But I was so sad. I just cant help it. So what?? Aku xkacau org pun. 

Tho after eating those, the sadness was still creeping around. I tried to shoo them away. But they wouldnt move a finger (as if they have one. Hmmm) I looked around again. The area was empty. Not literally but empty laa. Haishh. Tak faham2 ke?? -..-

Only a salt shaker want to be my friend at that moment. :'(

Then, I stayed there for about an hour, resting my head against the window, looking out the window and at the floor alternately. How I wish to suddenly have a friend to appear behind me and pat my back. But that was just my imaginations. Pathetic. I know. 

On my way back to class, I covered my head completely, like a zombie crossing the streets. I havent feel like this for quite a while. Sometimes I feel like stopping my steps in the middle of nowhere and let everything sweep me away or even send me flying. Hahaha 

Okayy. If you understand it, shhh. Hahaha

Then, I cried. Hahaha Stupid me. Cried over nothing. Bahh. Another class went by. I didnt feel like participating at all. But I ended up did. Silly me. Again. 

Now still waiting for the last class. Discussion actually. I dont feel like going coz I want to go to a dinner by MJVI. I wanna go there. I want food. I WANT FOOD !! But aku masih mampu berfikiran waras. Mungkin. And I totally feel that I really should go to the discussion instead of the dinner.

Allah would give us what we NEED, not what we WANT coz the things that we want are not always good for us. He knows best. :) I believe that He would give me something even better than that. InsyaAllah. 

And after this one class, I dont feel like going home straight away. I feel like going to a place where there is only me and me and me. I know where that is. The place where my heart could wonder about everything, the place where I feel I am in control, the place where I am on top of everybody. Muahahahahaha

On the highest place, I'll be the lowest. 

At the big place, I'll occupy the tiny corner. 

Snow or chilling wind, my heart is still burning.

Cycle or walk, it doesnt matter. 

As long as solitude is my friend. 

Of God's Love, His Righteous Path, Wandering Heart, Curious Mind and Barren Soul

It was during class today. I got a message again from him. 

"Chicken wish bones out the window no matter what it looks like we've gotten 

we've got Gods favor through Jesus"

I just dont know why. But I felt so disturbed by it. I feel like something is trying to tell me something. But I just dont get it. Im confused. I understand nothing. At all. So on my way back from school today, I took a detour from my usual path home. I used the Lakeshore path instead. 

It was almost maghrib. So the lake, the scenery was a total bliss. 

Of God's love

 Can you see God's love through this pic?? It was one of the nicest thing, nicest art that He gives us on this destructive earth. Look at how He created the world. Out of perfection. But we, human, tend to destroy it. Then terfikir pulak pasal peralihan siang dan malam. Cant you see how beautiful is that?? Subhanallah. 

His righteous path

Just an analogy. Imagine that this is His. 

اهدِنَــــا الصِّرَاطَ المُستَقِيمَ

 It is not that straight like literally straight either. But along the path, untuk kembali ke Dia, it is not that hard, but it is not that easy either. I would say that it is tricky. I dont know how to explain it. But yeahh. Berliku-liku. Itu sudah pasti. But the end journey of it would be blissful. 

Wandering heart

This somehow portrays my heart the best. It has been wandering here and there. It is a lil bit confused now. Idk. But I know I can see the light from far below. It is just that Im currently stuck here, in between teh trees, in between the bushes. It is quite a long road, tricky. I wonder what would happen to me if Im lost in the middle of the journey. My heart is literally wandering right now. Im confused, bewildered.

Curious mind

This also could be used to represent me. Yess as the caption says. Im curious about everything. Every single freaking thing. And I am freaked out. 

UWAAA~ 

Barren soul

Yuppy. Again. The caption says it all. All of them do. This is what I feel now. Empty inside out. I feel like nothing. 

EXPOSED

Every single branch in my heart is. I dont know how to explain it. You figure it out. But yeahh. 

The journey made me ponder upon every thing. I am even more confused now.

O God, letakkanlah aku di bawah naungan kasihMu, rahmatMu. 

Protect me. Amin.

Broken

The sun rises everyday, as my hopes.

Confused, shocked, bewildered.

One path.

Shone but veiled thus dispersed.

Love, in seekers, it lays.

The conquerors, the answers.

Impossibilities

So close, yet so far. 

Snatching away, burning eyes.

Calm, peace, deep blue.

Dreams, as the moon and the sun.

Valentine, Oh Valentine.

It was Valentine's Day again people !! Woohoo !! I never celebrate it tho. But this year, not to say that I celebrated it. It's just that I got a gift !! Not one, not two, but a few. I guess. So, I could say that I celebrated it somehow. :)

So, I had a hectic Thursday. As usual. Then, in the hallway after my calculus class, I met Youhi. Anddd... Guess what?? She gave me a brownie !! :9 

OMG. I love these people. They love to give me food. Food and food everywhere.

Dont worry. I gobbled it down straight away. :D

Fatty me. :3

But it is not the best part. Yet. So, as usual, that night, I went to the IV. Then, suddenly...

Poof...

Chelsea gave me a bible. Like a real live bible. Comel pula. I like it. :') 

Aku ada ni. Aku ada ni. Kau hado?? Sila jeles please. :P

The shocking part is that, I tweeted "Holy Bible. #bucketlist" few days before that. And I have non of them here as my friend on twitter except Syahir. But he is in the other circle of friends. Thus, making it impossible for any of them to know what I twitted or anything. But it was like a miracle or something. Kaboom !! I was on the verge of crying. Me being me. I jumped around telling other people that I got a Bible. Weehuu !! Yay me. Yay Chelsea. :*

Out of love, you remember me. 

Out of love, you give me this.

Out of love, Jesus' love.

Out of love too, I'll cherish it till the end of my life.